A few days ago, I wrote about not engaging the narcissist. Don’t try to appeal to their sense of fairness or kindness…because they are missing those parts of their personalities! Today, I want to advise you not to escalate the narcissist.
There are different types of narcissists. Some are more physically aggressive, some are more emotionally or verbally abusive, some have a sneaky way of insulting you without ever saying anything you could prove was meant to hurt you. However, narcissistic rages are infamous. Narcissists do not like to be challenged because they think they can do no wrong. I have watched my ex-narcissist launch into vicious rages over tiny things–like what time we would eat dinner or my refusal to cut my hair when he demanded it. (Seriously!) When he did this, sometimes I’d try to rationalize with him and he’d become more enraged. Lesson learned! Now, I know it’s hard not to want to fight back but here’s the thing…you won’t win. Narcissists can never let anyone else win. So, if you fight back, you are wasting your time, and in some cases, endangering your safety. You might feel like you are letting the narcissist bully you if you don’t respond, but in reality, you are saving yourself. Who cares if the narcissist thinks you are wrong? You know darn well the narc’s the one with the problem, right?
When I was sitting in the conference room of a courthouse with other domestic violence victims who were going to testify against their abusers that day, I found that several of these women, (we were all women there,) had physically engaged their abusers and egged them on. I hadn’t. Why would I want to make a crazy man even worse? It’s easy to get sucked into the narc’s behavior, but make sure that you aren’t sinking to their level. I would say that it “takes two to tango,” but with a narcissist, it really doesn’t. They are quite happy to fight on their own! However, if you don’t join their fight, you can keep them more calm. So…disengage and avoid escalating. And then get them out of your life as much as possible! There’s no peace of mind with a narcissist around.