Let me explain in advance…I’m not a cusser and I’m not a crude person, but what a narcissist does to people is crude, so I’m going to describe what I call the “Fuck and Dump.” Also, I am a straight woman who dates men, so I have no idea what it’s like to date a narcissist woman. I’m explaining this from my point of view and do not mean to say that all men are bad or all women are good. I know that’s not the case and I rather like men, but I’m describing a phenomenon that is common with male narcissists and their female victims.
Many of us who spent some time with narcissists found that they started out charming and turned into raging lunatics after a while. They couldn’t maintain their masks day after day for hours at a time, so we saw the truth. However, narcissists also run through dozens if not hundreds of short “relationships.” They start out charming and wonderful, as usual, but they dump the target immediately after sex, so the target never gets to see the abusive side. She just sees the wonderful guy, and has met what she believes to be her soul mate…then he disappears. The psychological effect is profound. If someone is treating you like a queen then “poofs!” your first thought is going to be “what did *I* do wrong.” Because of course the narcissist was so romantic, the problem couldn’t possibly be him, right?
This situation happens all the time on the dating scene, and it’s probably not always related to narcissism. It could be due to drinking, choice, bad decisions, who knows. But with the narcissist, it is recurring, and it is specifically about getting narcissistic supply without remorse. They build people up with big promises then move along after they get what they want. Most of the women who have this happen to them have no idea that they were just discarded by a narcissist. They just question themselves and may feel badly thinking something is wrong with them. It can actually haunt them for a while and they might chase the guy trying to get the good side of him to come back. I’ve seen women lose all sense of integrity and beg these guys to forgive them for whatever imaginary thing they did wrong. But there’s nothing to apologize for and there’s nothing to forgive. The narcissist just needed to drain someone’s energy for a while for his own emotional top-off.
I actually have not experienced this, but my former narcissist was famous for it within our social circle. I was heavily warned when I began dating him, but for whatever reason, he pushed me to marry very quickly, so I figured the warnings were wrong. (Why he decided to get married and why I seemed like the perfect target is probably basis for a psychology text book!) Anyway, left behind him is this huge pool of confused women who were hurt when he led them on then discarded them with no word. Because most people aren’t really educated about narcissism, these women have no idea what hit them. If this happens to you or a friend, please remember that it was never about you. It is about narcissism and emotional vampires.