We’ve heard about parental alienation, but there’s less commentary on family alienation. It seems to be the hallmark of a narcissistic mother–especially with her daughter. Narcissists of all types are dedicated to discrediting their victims by portraying them as crazy to friends, relatives and acquaintances. They usually start before the victim even knows there is a problem. Then, when the abuse starts, the narcissist has already planted a seed in people’s minds to make them think the victim is not trustworthy. It destroys the support system that the victim of a narcissist so desperately needs!
Narcissist mothers love to smear their daughters under the guise of caring. “Oh my poor daughter. I worry so much about her because she has mental issues.” The daughter might not have mental issues at all, (or she might be depressed or upset about the abuse she’s experiencing!) But, the mother’s comments set a foundation by which people begin to view the target/her own daughter. Onlookers have no idea what’s going on. They see a seemingly nice mother trying to help her daughter. They believe the stories that the narcissist spreads, and come to believe the daughter is the problem. In private, the daughter is frustrated by the abuse, which makes her mother’s false allegations seem believable when she tries to stand up for herself. If she shows anger or sadness, the narcissist mother is quick to tell others than she is “out of control” or “bi-polar.” Many times that “bi-polar” behavior is a reaction to years of abuse and only shows up when the narcissist is instigating a fight. The narcissist mother will pick at the daughter then blame her for reacting.
More aggressive narcissistic mothers will drop the pretend concern and go straight to trashing their daughters. They often make up elaborate stories and portray their daughters as druggies, delinquents or as being out of control. The daughter doesn’t stand a chance because she’s been smeared so long that her family doesn’t actually see her for who she is. The narcissist has successfully alienated her from her family…and often anyone who might help her with the abuse. Many daughters of narcissist realize that they have lost their entire family, and the mother’s campaign against them has been so thorough that no one wants to hear the daughter’s side.
Oh. My. God! You JUST told me entire life story with my cover narcissistic psychopathic mother!
I have had seven spinal surgeries. Due to this I got addicted to prescription pain medications. I knew I had a problem, never hid it, begged for help for years until, finally, after a near overdose that sent me to intensive care, I finally received the help I so desperately craved and went to rehab in December of 2007. Because I wanted it so badly, it only took one trip to rehab to get it. I have been drug free since then. But when you are dealing with an entire narc family, they use all your past problems, mistakes and bad decisionson to use against you in the present. My narc mother has a SERIOUS problem with spending money. She is always blowing my parents money then playing the victim to everyone to “borrow” ( I say that word borrow loosely because you will never see it again) to get her out of trouble.
Since I got well, both my parents have found a doctor that will prescribe lots of heavy duty narcotics for their seemingly minor “medical ailments”. Very strong medications that are totally unnecessary but because the ” doctor prescribed ” them they can hide the fact that they are both full blown drug addicts. The medications are so many and so strong that I went myself and bought them a $100 tamper proof safe to keep them in for two reasons; I never wanted an opportunity to arise where I could be blamed for taking them and to keep them away from my small children. I also refused a key to their house and refused to know the combination to open the garage. I THOUGHT I had covered everything. Little did I know the strength of a narcs accusations. I had no idea that my mother was setting me up for the smear campaign that was coming. You see, when a narc is doing things they know still make them look bad, they go proactive in their assaults. They started setting up situations that will make you look bad while your thinking everything is just fine.
After a certain period of spending to much money and, not only coming to me for money, but also going behind my back to get money from my husband, my mother came to me with yet another sob story needing to “borrow” $1000. This time I flat refused. She never gave a damn that she was taking our hard earned money that we made to care for our children and never even bothered to repay us. What made it even worse was the fact that my parents made $1500 more a month than my husband and I put together! And they only had each other to take care of, we had three children to support! So, this time I got very angry. I told her I wanted all their finances and I was going to sort it out for good. I then called my siblings to inform them we were all going to have to handle their finances or she was going to bankrupt them. Well, little did I know that my narc mother had already been building her case against me. She had been telling everyone that I was back on drugs and had been breaking into their house while they were gone and stealing their drugs. It didn’t matter that I was not exhibiting any signs of drug abuse what so ever it that I was not only taking care of my family but my parents as well or that I hadn’t done a single thing to make anyone suspicious of me or that I had no way to get in their house or get into that safe once I was in that house, narcs know that all they have to do is plant the idea into others minds and they are home free. My narc mother convinced all of them not to believe me because I was back on drugs and that I was lying to cover up everything I was doing. She fed this frenzy to the point that my entire family betrayed and abandoned me during one of the most crucial times in my life. To this day I have nothing to do with any of them.
It still never ceases to amaze me how these creatures can actually make sound people believe their lies, even when their is no proof at all in what they are saying.
Beware all of you in any relationship with a narc. Do not ever let them know anything personal about you that they can use on the future to destroy you because, given the right opportunity. They will take it and exploit it and you will be left standing there wondering how you ever ended up in this situation.
Daughters are not exclusive victims in the Narcissistic mother. If they have issues with important males in their lives, like fathers, step-fathers, spouses and the like, they may be prone to taking their angst out on their male children.
My mother was no narc but my narc sister has alienated me from my brothers and her own daughter, who used to treat me like her favorite aunt but now doesn’t acknowledge Christmas presents I send her. I don’t know how far back it goes so have no idea what kind of things have been said about me or for how long, just that it’s obvious that they have. I have distanced myself from my sister by not communicating if it is avoidable but I know this will just be interpreted, and passed on to others, as me being the problem. However, so be it if it saves me having to have her in my life any more.
Substitute ‘son’ for ‘daughter’, and you have my relationship with my late narc mother (and family of flying monkeys) to a tee.
https://mawrgorshin.com/2017/02/27/a-narcissists-flying-monkeys/
I imagine this alienation happens to sons as much as it does to daughters; it’s just that men usually don’t open up about their pain. I’m an exception in that regard. Otherwise, excellent article!
My moms first sign of abuse came out during the divorce .she had me testify to a sexual act that happened with my dad 4 years earlier. At the time it was no big deal.and she never addressed it again until their divorce. Witch embarrassed my dad and me both. Four brothers went with my dad, and I stayed with her. She constantly made me feel unloved by my dad, constantly bringing up how well he took care of them and not me, gifts vacations etc. she lied and never apologized so many times I can’t count. She denies things and makes me feel crazy. She controls me whenever I’m with her. Recently she got upset with me when I was house sitting for my brother. I refused to drop what I was doing and go help her do something that could wait 2 days when I had already planned to be there. So she refused to answer phone when she knew I was calling . My mom always answers phone. After 2 maybe three answer I called my brother to go check on her. Couple of weeks after i got home sister in law a use me of stealing. Then at some point my mom said she accuse me. Mad about something that happened 10 years earlier. And I was the one who got screwed over back then. She confides in me that my brothers abusing me .Then when I ask for her help says she does’nt want to get in the middle. 6 years went by not a word then I had heart failure and she rushed to my side . Since allowing back in my life she treats me like shit. Don’t know why I just kept my mouth shut and put up with it. Wish had severed ties before she destroyed my relationship with brother and sister in law. Their such good people
This is my life in every way, I went NC 11years ago after my mother pulled her last heartless trick on me by shutting me out of my dads sudden sickness and death. I will never ever speak to her again and I hope she rots in hell. I can still see her evil vindictive smile each and every time she would stab me in the back. She got immense pleasure in hurting me.
I hear you. My mother wanted to destroy my relationship with my father, (they were divorced,) so badly. A few years before he died, she almost succeeded and she was extremely happy.
One time my mother called me and I had company so I was talking to her and my company. She said, I called to talk to you and you would rather talk to your friends. She sounded real angry. I was already a traumatized person from domestic abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, rejection and death threats against my life by her so when she called me after I put my son in the bath and wouldnt stop talking to me so I could go be with my son I finally went back in to the bathroom and my son had drowned. I grabbed him out of the bathtub real quick and ran with him into the living room where she grabbed him from me and turned him upside down and the water came out and he came back to life. Thats how much I was afraid of her and I was a people pleaser and basically messed up. Im sure she told my son I let him drown. He doesnt speak to me now anyway. Even when Im typing this I feel like its an excuse for leaving my son alone in the tub but she knew he was in there alone yet kept me talking while my son was alone in the tub. It seems to me she was trying to do something to make me out to be a terrible mother whether it meant my sons life or not. She didnt care. Once when I was at her house with another baby. her and her boyfriend were drunk. He had my baby on his lap when she threw a beer bottle at him which could have hit my son. She didnt care. shes diabolical. Theres so much more to tell but it would be a book.