Many of us who have been abused by a narcissist struggle with the fact that, no matter how bad the abuse was, we cannot get other people who know our abusers to see the truth. Narcissists are extremely two-faced, so only the victims and targets get the full picture. Sometimes a narcissist will slip in public, but usually they charm the people who only know them superficially, so those people are quick to ignore the little signs they see. They don’t recognize them for what they are.
Since my ex narcopath was smearing me through private messages and his main flying monkey was a HUGE gossip who was trashing me all through our common groups and acquaintances, I took to trying to publicly telling people what the truth was. I tried so hard to educate people and get them to open their eyes. It backfired on me and it made me a target. People simply did not want to know the truth. They didn’t want to see the warning signs. They didn’t care that I could show all the different ways that my ex was a perfect match for a psychopath. They didn’t care that his previous girlfriends described all the same abuse. They knew my narcopath’s “good” side, and they refused to accept that there might be more to it. To do so would mean they’d have to admit they had made a poor judgement in believing him.
I was especially frustrated when one woman said she didn’t like to take sides because there was his story, my story and the truth was somewhere in between. Umm…no. There was his web of lies and my truth. She then told me that she was leaning towards supporting him because she’d been falsely accused and felt bad for him. ARGH! He was not falsely accused, so she was giving her support to someone I knew was a violent sociopath! (When I was the one struggling and needing support while he was off targeting the next victim!)
Through all of this, I felt very betrayed by people who took my ex’s side. I tried to accept that they might be innocent and didn’t really know the truth. I tried really hard to put myself in their shoes and realize they simply didn’t get it. But you know what? He almost killed my children. And no, that’s not an exaggeration. For that alone, I cannot feel very sympathetic with people who support him no matter how misguided they are.
That woman who had told me she didn’t take sides because she didn’t know the full story later shared a story of a celebrity who was accused of a crime with no evidence. She posted about how guilty that person was, and how horrible he was to have done such a thing. She was really enraged about the alleged crime. Now, quite frankly, the celebrity was probably guilty, but the woman’s double-standard struck me. She told me she wouldn’t stand against my abuser without the full story, although she felt sympathetic to him, but she was willing to side completely against a celebrity she didn’t know without any evidence or the full story?!
It was an interesting lesson in people’s ideals vs what they really do. In life, most people really are against abuse. But, when they are confronted with it in reality from someone they know, they hit a gray area. The same people who are against abuse grow fuzzy about it when it’s in front of them. That woman didn’t want to believe what my ex narcopath did because it was personal to her. It was much easier for her to hate a celebrity she’ll never meet. It’s simple to judge a stranger from afar based on society’s ideal that abuse is bad, but she couldn’t take that same stand with a real live, face to face abuser. It’s harder to make that decision about who is guilty and who isn’t when it has a real effect on someone you know, and your view of them.