If you haven’t dealt with a narcissist or a sociopath, you should know this….

Dealing With Narcissists 101: The basics

Dealing With Narcissists 101: The basics

No one can ever really understand what it is like to live with a narcissist or sociopath unless they have been there too. For that reason, many victims of predators cannot get the validation and support they need, and in fact, many good people will see the victim’s negative traits, (such as anger, frustration and depression after abuse,) and feel more inclined to believe the abuser who still seems friendly and fun.

If I could tell people who haven’t been there what I wish you knew or understood, here are some of the things I’d like to say:

1. No, I am not exaggerating or crazy. A narcissist or sociopath is that bad.
2. No, I am not just looking for attention if I need to talk about what I went through.
3. No, I can’t just get over it.
4. No, it wasn’t a matter of just “getting along.” No, we aren’t going to work it out.
5. Not everyone who seems nice on the surface is actually nice.
6. You can very easily be fooled. You probably are.
7. Yes, people this bad truly do exist. They are all around you.
8. A sociopath isn’t necessarily a killer or even a criminal.
9. A narcissist is not just vain or confident.
10. Parents and grandparents or other relatives can be predators, and they can be dangerous.
11. Yes, they often go to church. No, that does not make them good people.
12. “Nice” behavior doesn’t mean a person is good.
13. It’s easy to blame the angry victim and support the calm abuser. You are probably doing that.
14. There is no middle ground when it comes to abuse.
15. Sometimes there are only two sides to a story–the victim’s truth and the abuser’s lie. The lies are often more convincing.
16. Predators are masters of observing and mimicking human emotion. They are the ultimate actors. If someone seems excessively good…they probably aren’t.
17. It’s your ability to be empathetic and to give the benefit of the doubt that fuels an abuser. They take your silence as support.
18. Getting over narcissistic abuse is not like getting over a typical break-up.
19. Of course I’m mad!
20. If you try to remain neutral, it’s a slap in my face.

13 thoughts on “If you haven’t dealt with a narcissist or a sociopath, you should know this….

  1. I could have wrote what you did. I have journals and journals of hurt from 28 marriage. I got away for 10yrs. He had accident i went to help a yr and a half KILLED me and my Family. I left from his abuse..6 months later got a txt 4 in the morning, he knew where i lived and had a .38 especially for me. 3 days later while filing victim protection order the mother Fucker shoots himself in his fucked up head. It was supposed to be murder SUICIDE, but, with the One bullet and his Manuscript I DID IT…MY Adult children #1 DIDN’T INVITE ME TO SERVICE
    #2 Believed every lie, EVEN. they knew what asshole he was
    #3 He’s now the Most Wonderful Man in the world
    #4 It’s been 21 months..they’ve blamed my ass, taken away grandchildren completely..when rhey have called they Sound Like him..Degrading calling me a Crazy Liar
    #5 I’ve gone to my Church, grief counselors and psychologist.
    #6 I can’t find no relief
    #7 I HURT SO BAD..I’VE BEEN DESERTED BY FRIENDS..THEY WENT TO SERVICE, MAYBE everyone got handout of his Manuscript
    I HATE HATE HATE HIM THE SELFISH BASTARD
    I SACRIFICED I HID HIS SECRETS
    I FEEL SO ALONE
    I WANT TO DIE

  2. Re: to Joanne

    Dear Joanne! My story is even worse. (Also to your grandchildren) you/we can only prove that our story is true if we behave normal. I feel like I want to cry out to heavens so my voice shall be heard. Sociopath are so good at it. Go to your temple or if you feel disrespected in your church then go to a similar one. Tidy your surroundings and always try to look calm and nice. Radiate sanity.Even if you warn people, try to do it in a calm voice. I also have to defend myself in public and court. My sociopath is spreading half-truth and lies and fabricated evidences about me. I myself am speechless sometimes, how can people believe all this bullshit. I help people and try to do everything in a better way and I hope that people will see that I am the man of integrity. May the Lord bless everything what you do!

  3. If I could reach out and tell you personally that you are not alone I would. My best friend killed herself to escape The Narcissist. Please. Please love yourself. Please don’t need anyone else even your family. Take a vacation and have a fling! Anything. Live! To spite him. Then live for YOU!

    • oh, my dear, this is so sad !
      Your best friend killed herself to escape….,
      it is a shame that the system does not eliminate such people…they arent worth anything-no matter what made them this way.
      I know dogs – and dogs who are that weak-brained and damaging do get the
      out for life.
      Even when they done it all because of fear, they do get the status too weak to re-socialize and get killed.
      Sad- but it´s a neccessity !
      Sould be the same with humans.Give them the chance to rehab -and when that does not bring any sign of learining and chancing- they have to live inprissonened-and do work for their right to live.
      Underdogs do need a hard Hand !
      Sad,but the only truth !

  4. Hi Joanne you are not alone, i have gone through similar crap only my ex is still here with someone else, has every one fooled because obviously its me who,s at fault because look how quick he got someone else and i haven,t, the thing is i dont want someone after the years of misery i had with him i am better on my own,i have had people i have known all my life talk to me about him and his new woman like they are a lovely couple, i just walk away i am not listening to that rubbish,the injustice does eat away at me he,s of having a ball, i am left in a financial mess struggling to pay bills and eat, basic things because i spent 35 years with him he did not want me to work, i now know this was to make me dependent on him, it did,people tell me to get over it but this was not a normal relationship i did all the work trying to make it work and he went through it with a bull dozer,but because i reacted to his abuse by going in to a depression, i had my mum sister mum and brother telling me there was not a lot of men would put up with me,that really hurt me and he would love to have a laugh about that that no one believed me or supported me i too feel really alone , my mum recently died but up till then he would still turn up to her house for tea even when she knew he had a knew woman the charm still fooled her, she would call me up to tell me he looked great, i slammed the phone down on her because thats exactly what he wanted her to do to remind me he still had them fooled and i had no support, they are evil, its hard but me you and every one else who has been through this can only sit back and hope karma gets to them or they trip them self up and show their true co lours , i had one experience with a neighbor like this who had every one fooled she smeared my name to every one, i said nothing o defend myself whats the point, years went by she showed her true colors to the people she smeared me too they apologized to me for believing her now no one wants nothing to do with her,karma at work i did nt have to do any thing

    • And reading your comment Ann just sent a wave of shivers up my spine. It’s like your story is mine. I have been too scared to get a DVO because I know this man all too well and I know he will twist anything I say to sound like I am the crazy one. It’s scary to think there are more people like him out there in the world.

  5. I am a victim of narcissistic abuse since my 12th birthday….I think it is because I was skinny and ugly as a child,because my mother did´t gave enough food-but with 11 I had found a dear friend in a ten year old girl with her nice Family,and I was invited having dinner with them very often….and with them I was allowed to play outside.
    It seemed to do me good and I became healthy and beautiful…and strong..and happy….since then I was tortured every single day in my life -no Holidays or escape.
    Now I am 40years old and she is still there interrrupting my life altough I am in a help Programm who are trying to get me away from her…which lis Lasting awahile -since I am not able to sleep in two- bed-rooms,I have to stay home,but cann call any time cause Police is on mothers side.
    One month I have to Play for my life-which is not easy-becasue being forty and having no child is hart – you cannot simple marry into another familiy-cause all normal peolpe have done that part of life already.
    It is the last into freedom-and it is not only OH,fine.forget the past and start anew.
    That easy it is when you are 22 or 25-after 36 it is hard to just throw away the bad parts of your life !!and simply be the good ones.
    There were no good days-I guess it is hard to imagine for peolpe who never experienced somthing like that !
    Wish me luck that noone finds out about that email here….and I could scream this broken my Soul is….These mean Little fights when noone is looking:
    You are forty and cant leave because you are old,heheheh….and the absolutely not correct Statements:
    You can´t be lucky You can sleep at my floor,I mean who are you not having a Baby and never done work.
    Well I wasnt allowed to go to work-and you thrwo my clothes away whenever I had a´job offer.
    I guess it is all about torture and they are not that stupid as they do.
    They arent forgetting things -they do exactly now when ruining Jobs,and destroying friendships.
    My mother is a Psychopath as well because she is playing the I do break you game every single day.
    She throws away my new clothes right before my eyes-and says it is my illness. I have seen you doing it !!!
    They say no !My mother always interupts my telephone calls.Me calling with my best friend who knows mother is sick like hell-and mother always is a third member of the Party.
    Friend says:my Baby gets xxxxxx in the bottle with xxxx,and I wana say Oh yes that is good and healthy ,mother yelling loud. It is not good in the papers they say babies arent allowed to have much calcium and you cannot cook for Baby they do need milkproducts….
    so on the whole Telefone call is !
    When I ask her please let us tlk alone she simply says:it is my flat and I am going to call the Police and you are dead,´because noone can sleep outside.
    The reason why I dont do anything about it anymore is the Police came three times…my mother had simply told them I would hit her and I had to left the flat to sleep over in the neighbours flat.
    When being alone with mopther she calmly said: you see what is Happening when not bending down to my rules.
    But I made one further try did the same with her call-just talked with them.
    I received a three hours emotional abuse.in the end I were begging not to call the police because it was Christmas which is cold and dark and closed in our town.Horrible !
    Thanks for the kind reminder of keeping a calm demenour…..often it is easy,but sometimes soooo hard !!!
    Christiane
    Mother is not exhausted after her three hour rages.When the telephone rings she chances mood and is easy going but not deep.
    I never ever in my life have witnessed such stupid telephone calls my mother does……I couldn´t even make a film out of it this unbelieveble they are.
    peolpe would call me a wanna- be writer with the worlds lousiest wanna be somthing sript -which would be nothing
    but the truth written down-nothing more.

    I have come to the conclusion they arent human – they play it….someitmes they act if they are trying out…strange !!!

  6. sorry, for many writing-mistakes..I thought this would be the first round before posting it,and I would have a second run to smart out mistakes.
    Next time, I publish, when having a better day – promise !

  7. Christianse, thank you for your story. Your “mistakes” are nothing nothing of no importance compared to your brave heartfelt story. I am happy you are seeking support. You deserve support and love and all good things. God bless you and steer you safely through your trials. I feel that good things await you. Keep up your brave work caring for yourself.

  8. 26 years of emotional abuse and I just this month realized my husband is a Narcissist. So many years of walking on eggshells, pretending that I didn’t see all his flirtatious ways, denying all the affairs he’s had, watching him pretend as though he lived in a fairy tail, listening to him making up stories to people about great things he’s done, when I KNOW, it wasn’t how he said it was. Every time I tried to confront him of one of his affairs he would tell people I was imagining things, even when I would see him do it or the girl he was sleeping with would tell me. He would just tell and throw things saying we were trying to conspire against him. He had so much control over me that I was never allowed to go anywhere alone, we only watched what he wanted, we only listened to what he chose, and we only eat what he likes. I remember going to the store with my daughter just a few months ago while he was working and I broke down in the store because I didn’t know which cheese he would want. I decided since my kids are now grown that I would volunteer at a thrift store for the homeless. He decided he would go with me. All I ever heard was how AMAZING he was. Its like no one saw the hard work I was doing, just how talented and funny and smart he was. Every Time we left that store, all the way home he would accuse me of flirting with customers and I ended up crying, looking out the window all the way home until I finally just never went back. Being able to get out everyday made me feel like I was actually somebody. I had friends to laugh and talk with. Now I’m just here. Everything he owns even down to the clothes he wears is all under lock and key. He’s never been without a job, or let us go without food or a roof over our heads, and he’s NEVER raised a hand to hit me, but just the words that come from him and knowing so many secrets about him that I just hold inside has left me cold and numb. He gets so mad when we don’t praise how hard he works, or that I don’t massage him or show compassion anymore. I’ve started seeing a psychiatrist, telling him all that I hold inside. His response to me was” The only way you can heal is to confront him about everything” ……….. Ok let me get this straight…… Just 2 days ago a rumor surfaced that my husband has an offside child somewhere. When my son asked him about it, he just laughed with sarcasm and said these words ” Do you think I’m stupid enough to incriminate SELF? You will NEVER know ANYTHING about me.” SO……instead of creating a endless hell which everything will be redirected and blamed on me, I think I will just skip the psychiatrists advise and keep what little dignity I have left. And for anyone who’s asking why don’t u just leave him? Probably because I grew up with a Narcissist father who also destroyed our family. When my mother finally took us and left, she had nothing and no one. We slept from place to place and underneath a bridge became our home. I’m now too tired emotionally and physically to start over. Being broken and numb. The only comfort I have is sleep. Sweet sleep.

  9. Thank you guys for posting what you have been through. I have been dealing with this debilitating relationship for 4 years…and I should have seen it from the get go. This man was so charming and amazing when we first met. Told me all he wanted was to take care of me. I moved in the second week after we were dating while he was in the middle of a divorce. After a month, he started going through my phone, telling me to quit my job, telling me to change my number. When I did work, he would take all of the money out of the account almost like a punishment for me working. Anywhere we went he was smooth and charming…And lied to everyone around him about his accomplishments and things he was doing with his life. Everyone thought we had this amazing life. He has no money management skills and still asks his parents thousands (@ the age of 33). I am always walking on egg shells and affraid of disappointing him. Every day im being called a worthless cunt, whore, incompetent, hideous. He has a son from a previous marriage, I do everything for him. We have our own company, and he always threatens me and tells me hes going to leave me and that I need to get another job. I have never had anyone talk to me like this in my life. I have zero credit anymore because all the credit cards he made me get, he wouldn’t let me pay off. He made me take out everything in my name so he could get what he wanted then screw me over. I have no car, he made me turn in both of them for title loans. He took out multiple loans on my wedding ring and this past time, we lost it because he never paid it back. He accuses me constantly of cheating and lying…when it has never happened. He has secluded me from my family and friends. He does alot of illegal things and will screw anyone over just so he can end up on top. Hes has a record pages long. Hes physically abusive. Before christmas he was accusing me of cheating and went through my phone for over 24’hrs straight, and found nothing. He got upset when I asked him what he was looking for and body slammed me on the ground and started chucking our big yankee candles at me. I left and came to my moms and told him we had to get him some help. I saw him 2 days after christmas so we could talk and work on things and I found out this past week (when hes been telling everyone he just wants to die and that hes been so depressed without me) he met another woman and brought he and her child in our home and he told her he loved her and wanted her to move in. This woman kept calling his phone while he was sleeping when I was over there and I called her back from my phone. He wouldnt spend christmas with me or his family because he was “trying to get his head straight”….when in reality he lied to everyone and was with another woman and her son. This girl told me they have been messed up on drugs for the week that theyve been seeing eachother. Our business account has been down to $-1,500 since I left to give him a little space. He got pulled over for speeding the night I left the house, and told the sheriffs that hes been having a bad day because.his “wife cheated on him”. He lied to everyone to get out of the speeding ticket. He is begging me to come back and that things will be different. I have completely lost myself. I have nightmares, get anxious and anxiety in public, my health is deteriorating, and I cry constantly. The mental abuse was constant and every day. I have nothing, no other job, credit, bank account, car. He left me completely dependent on him. These people do exsist. And are incredibly toxic. And somehow, I still feel like he really loves me and means what he says.

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