Since my second child’s birth, we have been relatively safe because my ex narcopath has had supervised visits due to his history of violence against me. For a few months, his visitation reports were horrifying, but were only a tiny hint of what he is really like. Since then, he has learned to put on the right face while continuing the abuses in a less obvious manner. This does not mean he’s changed. He has still let his true colors show a few times, but the magistrate isn’t astute enough to realize that they are sign of far worse. The ex is a narcissistic sociopath who has been hurting people for five decades. He has a history of violence and recklessness all over the country. He will never change. But, it seems we have one of those magistrates who does not understand that abusers have two faces. Since he’s started putting on an act in his supervised visits, she foolishly thinks he is safe.
I know better. I know that the narcopath used to play perfect dad in public, then abuse and/or ignore my older son in private. I watched him easily slip between the two masks depending on who he needed to fool. I also saw people buy it. They’d exclaim about how great he was with my son, but in private, he’d get impatient and rage and yell at my son, (then not even 18 months old.) I saw him rage until my son vomited in fear. I saw him shove and push my son around while my son screamed. I saw him drive recklessly with us in the car. I prayed for our lives more than once as narcopath raged and drove recklessly to scare me on major highways. I froze in fear as we spun out on a busy highway when narcopath was driving dangerously. I saw him deny meals and diaper changes all day long, then shove food in my child’s mouth when we were allowed to have a single meal late in the day. At my final straw, he hit my son in the head over something tiny, then shook him upside down after slamming him around a few times. That was the day I ended the hell of a marriage after less than two months. I knew that he would only continue to escalate, he was incapable of caring about anyone–not even a small child, and as he pushed boundaries, he’d probably kill us. I knew that if I did not keep him away from my son, I would be guilty of allowing abuse. So, I kicked him out of our lives.
Except, since I was pregnant, I can’t ever be free from the narcopath. We had a brief bit of safety that is now coming to an end. I can either try to get the court to hear me when I tell them about the long and varied history of anti-social behavior and the heartless, reckless and abusive behavior with my older child, or I can hope the narcopath doesn’t kill my child during his soon to be unsupervised visits. I am stuck either allowing violence against my child or being accused of “alienation” which is actually me protecting my child.
Many parents are stuck in this horrible predicament because courts simply do not grasp that there might be something beneath a person’s outward appearance. They are ignorant about narcissists, sociopaths and other predators, and they go by mindless books and precedents instead of really hearing abuse victims and putting two and two together about the abuser’s history. The courts’ ignorance forces protective parents to hand their children to violent abusers and just hope the kids come home alive. I’ve been “lucky” so far, but now my child is no longer safe. I can’t do anything to possibly help protect my child until the abuser endangers him so badly the magistrate will listen. Now we have to live in more fear. I hate this.