Well, the first time I did. By the second time I met a narcissist, I had started to gain some healthy boundaries and I kicked him out of my life when I knew he was discarding me. But the first time? Before I had any clue what a narcissist was or how they acted? I made a complete fool out of myself! And some of you probably did too. But that’s okay. We are human and we were reacting to insanity without realizing just how bad the narcissist’s games were. They screw with our heads so bad, they make us feel crazy when we try to deal with them!
For a brief review of the narcissist’s relationship cycle, let me explain:
1. The narcissist will build you up with flattery and mirroring–that is, they pretend to be just like you–until you are on cloud nine in love. They hook you in until you are dazzled and think you’ve found the best person in the world. You get attached, and you think this is real.
2. They start treating you badly. They devalue you. But, you still believe step one was real, so you become very confused by their sudden change in the way they treat you. You know they used to treat you better than anyone you’d ever met, so when they start treating you like crap, you think you did something wrong. You get caught up in trying to “fix” your mistakes and make them happy again–to make them love you like you believe they did at first.
3. They discard you. They just throw you away. Done. Gone. They are out of there. And you are incredibly confused, and still blaming yourself for the changes in the way they treated you. You get desperate to get the good person back. Even if you’ve started to realize that they are abusing you, you still have hope and you still want things to work out. You’re emotionally invested in making things work out because you’ve dedicated so much time, emotion and love to this person.
So… the way the narcissist treats you is psychologically addicting! The ups and downs, highs and lows, the on and off behavior…it draws you in and makes you more and more determined to make things work.
My first narc ex was a covert narcissist. He’d do wonderful things for me, then turn mean and criticize me. He’d smother me with attention, then tell me what a horrible person I was. He’d give me the cold shoulder for days at a time and leave me begging him for some love. He’d buy me a gift then tell me I was ungrateful. One time, during one of his rages, I locked myself in a bathroom while I cried. He took the door off the hinges and came in screaming that I should kill myself because everyone hated me.
He’s a musician who writes pretty and very sweet love songs, so people would tell me he couldn’t be abusive because he was so sentimental. I blamed myself more and more and more, and my self-esteem sank to the lowest it had ever been. I grew to hate everything about me as he attacked me daily. I couldn’t do anything right. Ever.
I was a mess. I tried to leave him so many times. I’d leave and get a hotel. I’d make a flight reservation to go home to my family. I even went to a domestic violence shelter. Every time, I got scared about being alone and I started to miss his “good” side, so I went back. He continued to get worse and worse.
Eventually one day he left me. But…the house was in his name, and I didn’t have any money of my own. I was 2500 miles from home and I had no one. He’d forbidden me to have a job, and he’d discouraged me from getting to know anyone. Every single person I knew was his friend or family member. But, he called me from his girlfriend’s house and told me to get out or he’d have the police remove me from the house. He closed the credit cards and bank accounts and had threatened to have the utilities turned off. I never saw him again and never got any closure. He sent me an e-mail telling me he had filed for divorce and wouldn’t return my calls. The guy who had been verbally, emotionally and financially abusing me for two years cut me off and left me stranded.
I cried and cried and kept trying to call him. I begged him via e-mail to come home. The guy who made me miserable daily! I didn’t feel like I had any better options. Eventually, I got help to load most of my stuff in a van and get home on the other side of the country. I still missed him. I was addicted to trying to make him happy, but it was a losing battle! But eventually, I got really, really mad. After all the crap I’d put up with for so long, he had thrown me away? And he did it in an incredibly selfish and cruel way. Basically kicked me out on the streets and didn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face or on the phone.
So, I got mad. As the administrator of his web sites, I had his passwords, and I posted on his site that he was a cheating abuser. Of course all his fans of his “pretty” music were horrified. No one wants to believe that Mr. Pretty Songwriter is an abuser. I have paid for that decision for years and I’m still banned from a couple of music forums. So yes, years of abuse made me act crazy for a brief time in my life. I made a complete fool of myself. First I begged an abusive jerk to stay in my life, and then I publicly called him out in a way that destroyed me more than him. Not my finest moment. But, if you have been like me and done something really stupid in the intense stress and frustration of being abused and discarded, do yourself a favor: Forgive yourself!
Narcissists and their addictive mind games screw with your head and your heart. They will drive you temporarily crazy! But like my therapist told me–if you weren’t that way before you met them and you weren’t that way after you were away from them–then that’s not the real you. It’s you acting under the pressure of a bad situation. It’s you being human.
14 thoughts on “Did you make a fool of yourself trying to get your narcissist back after they discarded you?”
Thank you for sharing your story. I was in a very similar situation. It upsets me that the narcissist still thinks he’s the victim and he was hurt. I was embarrassed that I begged him to stay because I invested so much of myself and wanted it to somehow work. I didn’t know how strong I would be without him. Thank you for sharing.
I was the same. I live in Manchester UK I moved my life job kids everything (they do like to isolate you) I moved a few hours away from everyone i knew in the middle of nowhere, he was my ‘soul mate’ dream man, love of my life. He got me into the middle of nowhere and then cruelly punished me for being in the way? being around? and being there? so I left! I went home. It took me over a year after that to finally get rid, he did everything he could to abuse me in every single way possible absolutely terrifying and sickening. He was a drug addict, sex addict, pain addict …evil empty person. He almost destroyed me I cried every day for years. I almost lost everything and at worst was my self respect. I don’t cry anymore. There is life after this shit. And I pray for every woman he meets after me as some may not be as strong as I were… I pray for and send love for everyone who suffers at the hands of narcissistic abuse there is no pain like it. However it doesn’t matter if you begged you will one day see that them being gone is the best thing that could ever have happened. Peace and love to everyone x
I have just been tossed aside by a Narcissist. I thought was my soul mate: he was perfect! Well, except for those sudden, agonizing silent treatments that came on without warning and lasted days to weeks, he was perfect. Except for the way he aggressively flirted with other women when we were out on dates, he was great. Except his complete lack of emotional connection when we were having sex, things were awesome. Except for the fact that he would not allow himself to orgasm because he did not want to lose control, I couldn’t be happier. Except that he was pathologically jealous and literally thought every person of male gender was after me, I was content. Except for the fact that in the 2 1/2 years we intensely dated and spent almost every day together, he would still introduce me to his coworkers as his “neighbour”, he was the one. Except for the fact that he would never say that he loved me because he hated the word “love” he was fabulous.
We had weeks where he treated me extremely well and we spent many memorable times together then he would suddenly stop talking to me for some non-existent “indiscretion” that I had committed ( I never knew what I had done as he would not tell me). The silence could last days or stretch for weeks, during which time I slowly fell apart. I became very anxious and fearful of these episodes and it affected everything from my work to other friendships. I ended up losing my job as I was not sleeping and was emotional at work. Two close friends abandon me, saying that if I chose to stay with him they didn’t want to see me anymore.
Then I found out he had been cheating on me and I confronted him. He was furious, cold and silent anger. How dare I find out? He was mad at me for discovering his duplicity. So he tossed me aside- decided to quit his job, put his condo up for sale and has taken a job in another city. He won’t talk to me or tell me where. I think he is dating the real estate agent who listed his place two days ago. Unbelievable. Meanwhile I am taking anti-depressants for the first time in my life because I still love the “good guy” that I knew. The gap he has left in my life is HUGE- we did absolutely everything together so I miss him even though I am starting to realize that by isolating me he was controlling me. It is going to take a long time for me to not think about him every second.
I, too have cried, written letters that I slip under his door, left phone messages and even baked cookies and other baked good to leave at his door with notes apologizing for my discovery. Begging him to return, promising that I will never bring up his infidelity if he would just agree to talk to me… All to no avail- he is done with me and on to the next. It is a difficult road.
Lord, I almost cried for you, reading this. I know your heart is broken but you deserve so much better . Take it day by day , fill your time with things that distract you , love yourself . I know it’s hard and I know it’s painful, physically and mentally . He wants you to beg him , don’t , don’t give in . You are worth so much more !!
Wow this is powerful…..the way you said he was perfect EXCEPT……you were happy EXCEPT…..he was the “One” EXCEPT….. I love it bcos I’m having a very hard time dealing with this as well I was discarded by my narcissist during a 7 day cruise that I paid for…..He and I dated for a year…..and come to find out of course he already had new supply lined up before the cruise…….in hindsight I can see that he was planning for the discard already but while we were together 2-3 weeks prior to the cruise he was being such a sweetheart…..now I can see he only did that to ensure he would get to go on the trip……total user smh……this was in the first week of October…….since then he has already gotten serious with another woman to the point that he forced his daughter to meet the woman…….she was so upset bcos she looks to me as her mother since she has no relationship with her biological mother and was never able to bond with his other 2 wives (yes he’s been married and divorced 3 times…..RED FLAG) she keeps texting me mom I miss u so much please come back I miss ur hugs and kisses…..it’s so hard bcos I love that girl like my own and of course he won’t let me see her……..and now that I think about it since his 3rd wife left in May of 2015 he has had now,including myself, introduced a total of 3 different women into his daughter’s life…..I feel horrible for the confusion she is dealing with and the more confusion to come bcos I’m sure this woman will not be the last one he brings in and out of her life.
I made a complete fool of myself at my narc ex’s hands! I called time on our 15 year marriage and struggled through a year living with him whilst separated. When he finally left the house I was bereft. I missed him so much. I invited him back for Christmas with the kids and he started to worm his way back in. When I finally succumbed to his charms he went out the very next day and slept with someone else – like I never mattered to him at all! I hurt so much. I’d done the difficult bit of ending it but this for me was when it was really over. In trying to make sense of everything I came across information on narcissistic abuse and gradually began to understand what I had been through and why I ‘let it happen’. It has taken two years, much support, a lot of talking and going grey rock to forgive myself and heal. If I can do it – anyone can. Good luck!
In a very strange way, I’m glad to know that there are other people out there who experienced a similar situation to mine.
Things ended with me an my ex in December. She was very manipulative and mentally and verbally abusive. I once confided in her a medical condition that I have. It took everything in me to tell her. One day during an argument she threw in my face ‘go spread your disease’. I felt the blood drain from my body. All that could actually come out of my mouth was ‘wow!’. I went for a walk to cool down and try to make sense of what happened. When I returned back to her place, she was throwing my things over the balcony and said ‘pick up like a dog’. She hit me over the summer and tried to blame it on me. For a moment I thought I did but remembered the event clearly. I made her know that I didn’t hit her and that all I did was grab her by the collar after the matter and said ‘calm down!!!!’ I was unemployed for several months and she turned to me one day, while arguing over pettiness and said ‘You have such a bad attitude. No wonder why no one will hire you!’. She has pushed and pulled me: one day she says ‘I don’t want to lose you’ and the next ‘I want to be alone’. The arguments were always about some pettiness. As silly as the way I should make Fajitas. Would accuse me of things that made no sense. When I would ask her for examples, she was never able to come up with one. I said ‘if you’re going to accuse me of something, then at least give me an example because I’m confused. I don’t remember ever doing that to you.’ She would constantly criticize my pyjamas or take embarrassing stories I told her and use it against me and then say ‘ugh! it was just a joke’. She constantly provoked me and when I got upset would say that I’m responsible for my anger. It always amazed me how she would NEVER take responsibility for her actions.
In the end, my volcano erupted. I couldn’t take it anymore. After she allowed me stay at her place over the holidays, she kicked me out after we had a misunderstanding on the date I would leave. I was so angry because I couldn’t take the mind f. games anymore. Before I left I took the sheets off her bed, took the towels off the shelf and stole her bottle of rum and left. I wrote her friends and family and told them she needs help and that she’s sick. I was so enraged that I don’t even remember the rest of what I said to them. My ex had the audacity to tell me that she would never have done that to me. I responded that there was no damage done and a bottle of rum can easily be replaced but what she has done to me all this time is irreparable.
It’s been a month since this has happened and all I want is for everyone to see the demon she is. I learned through her ex best friend that she acted this way with all her exs and that it doesn’t surprise her. She uses people to her own advantage.
I now have a therapist. I’m still unemployed and highly depressed. It’s so hard to see the light. I still dream of her and wake up crying with a racing heart. My unemployment insurance is about to expire. My life has been flipped upside down. The positive and outgoing me has lost sight and don’t know how to stop my thoughts of her and the events to stop. Most days I don’t feel bad for what I did. I don’t wish her any well. I believe people like that shouldn’t have the right to be happy. For every person they hurt, they should suffer at the hands of God/The Universe.
I had the samething happen but from a woman she started calling me abusive controlling all these horrible things .i was confused had no idea what was going on.Both me and my daugther lived with her kids for years only to come home and find our stuff in the street. She took money and basicly left us with nothing….ita been a year and a half of hell i still feel bad i brought my daughter into this ……ot all startred one night i accused her of having no emtions or they were shallow.from that night foward i was being accused of the most absurd things from cheating to being a sociopath…your head jist spins like what the hell is goinf on here notbing made any sense …after a year of research it all makes sense now…she cut me and my daugter our of her life and has not contacted us 3
Yes, I eventually went crazy too. I think a lot of us “lose” at this game because they fool us into EXACTLY what they wanted. They turned us to act crazy. I was always a very compassionate emotionally healthy person. After going through the complete narcissist cycle once (love bomb, devalue, discard, hover) and not knowing wtf happened. I did flip out on him and I was called psychotic. But, I was hooked so I then experienced round 2 and finally round 3 which was the worst of all. He ended getting two women into a triangulation war and we were all on a three way. Naturally, she was his better and shall I say wealthy supply for him. He was with her and called me to tell me how crazy I am when two days ago, he was telling me how crazy she was. At this point, I knew very well what NPD was all about and mirrored his narcissistic rage. I drilled him with all of his pathetic insecurities. I even made fun of the alcoholic beverages he would drink! I went all out. I threatened at the top of my lungs that I would go to his house with a gun and blow his head off. Yeah, so that wasn’t the mature thing to say. What it did though was it made him pee his wittle pants. Did I seem crazy? yes, I reacted because I saw I was losing the game and I’m vey competitive by nature. I realized that she was believing his lies and that he was winning once again. I lost my cool and in the end, I was blocked in all forms by him and even friends of his that I don’t even know! The smearing came on immediately and he has severed all forms of contact from me. This is someone I knew for over 20 years! How can he lie and lie and be this manipulative jerk to someone that loved him unconditionally. I’m still baffled but ALL HE, THE NARC SEES IS THAT I HURT HIM. ME ME ME ME ME lol. I laugh now because he still thinks I destroyed his life when all I did was love him.
My ex sociopath finally did the final discard in may, we had been together 9 years, got married an had 2 children. The relationship was doomed from the start, every1 warned me about him. But they sick you in so well at the start, buy you flowers have long dms just seem perfect. Then the devaluing starts you belive it must be something you did you can be amazing together you just were an you spend every minute trying to get it back to that amazing bit at the start.. we did this cycle 17 times… by new years last year he kicked me an our son on the streets 4 weeks of birth of our second… still wen he contacted again I gave him a chance but I was realizing it was all the same bs. He’d promise he’d change he’d do rehab stop partying as much, but in 9 years the actions an promises never came… This year alone he would beg for a week until I said OK then spend the next week abusing me or just no contact. I knew in my heart he was grooming a new supply but I just didn’t want to belive it, he married me, we had kids why would you do that if not for love?. To my imbarrasment within 2 weeks of loving an idolizing me he had a new Mrs… He refused to see or speak to our son an then flaunted all over fb photos of him playing happy daddy with his new lovers kids, 2 weeks later he moved in with her… I realize now he never did love me an that amazing bit at the start of every cycle wasn’t the real him… I made a dock of myself begging for him back bending over backwards for years loosing friends etc. An now I sit homeless with 2 kids an no father figure for them.. If someone seems to perfect an too in love so fast run RUN. I lost so much of my life an all my possessions an family friends to only be a joke with nothing at the end an poor children being hurt an discarded… don’t let yourself fall for someone so fast
Ren, I’m so sorry to hear what has happened to you and your kids. I think I am going through the beginning of the same thing as you are. My husband suddenly left us a month ago, moved out when I was sick, left me with our two children (youngest is 19 months) and filed for divorce 4 days later. He wanted a “speedy divorce” and it was granted last week. After only 3 weeks of him being gone! Since then he hasn’t seen or called our kids. I asked him if he wanted to see them and he doesn’t reply. Nothing. My ex is very wealthy and has since moved out of state and dropped us like we never existed.
Do you have any updates of how your situation is going now?
Im a 48 year old male living in the uk and my wife of 10 years together for 23 has just dumped me after i discovered numerous affairs . She has also taken out loans etc in my name forging my signature. Been giving me a few pounds aweek to live on from my own salary . SHE Lies constantly never pays any bills god knows what she spent all the money on and it didnt come to light untill our house was about to be repossessed then she said she was done with me and wants a divorce .the weeks before she told me she was in love with me and was really looking forward to our lives together. Im dumbstruck and very very sad as we also have a 8 year old son who is my life . Now im homeless and massively in debt overnight! She is definitely a sociopath and looking back i cant believe i didnt realise .ive been for sti tests too my world has collapsed and everyone thinks its all my fault im determined to get over this and back to normal theres hope inside me ……. just wish id met someone else who shared my dreams and hopes instead of her
Reading the stories posted here are heartbreaking because I am all too familiar with the chaos, anxiety and mental instability that a close relationship with a narcissist produces. The intent for my response is to help someone else minimize the nothingness that exists after one of these encounters. I was excited to finally start taking college courses towards earning a bachelor degree but was unaware that my narc was lurking in two of my courses just looking for someone to devour. Prior to my encounter I had no clue that NPD existed and therefore was a sitting duck for the abuse that ensued. My initial encounters with my narc left me thinking that he was a jerk, was mean and was very envious. He singled me out from the beginning and began taking jabs at me trying to tear me down in public. I immediately realized that I needed to stand my ground and had every intention of confronting him had the behavior continued. Now in hindsight it was almost as if he read my mind because all of a sudden he became Mr. nice guy. He made his physical presence known, was always in my face during class breaks and put on the charm big time. Nonstop text messages ensued and he basically began isolating me from my spouse and any friendship I could have developed with my classmates. This was the love-bomb stage. Then suddenly as soon as I became comfortable with our budding friendship and I developed feelings for him, he began the devalue stage. He started ignoring my feelings by gaslighting me, he would enact 2-7 day silent treatments which sent me into a frenzy and always ended with me reaching out and trying to make things right trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Oh and by the way he tore my heart to shreds when one day he called to very callously and nonchalantly disclose he was married. This narcs love bomb was so convincing I was convinced that I no longer loved my husband and was contemplating leaving my husband. Learning that the narc was married broke my heart. He withheld this and lied in class about his marital status. By this point I had fallen completely in love, was addicted to him and could not stop thinking about him. I knew I needed help and began praying and started seeing a counselor once a week. I tried to end the relationship (thank God it never became physical) I had offered myself physically to him multiple times but he gaslighted me. Sometimes he flirted and encouraged it but other times I was rejected and made to feel completely unwanted; this was all part of his cruel devalue of my feelings in the relationship. He did the silent treatment after setting up a discard and at that point my self-esteem was at an all time low, I began acting depressed, I was burnt out trying to maintain my 4.0 and I was mentally drained from the stress of feeling trapped in my marriage yet feeling rejected by the man I had just fallen in love with. I stumbled upon narc websites explaining what was happening to me and immediately saw there were countless others experiencing the same nightmare I was being subjected to and I knew that I wasn’t losing my mind. After months of therapy, journaling, prayer, Christian outpouring from a friend and my former church, countless hours researching narcissistic abuse, tears, heartache, mental anguish, almost losing my marriage, isolation, loneliness, a little staulking on my part and feeling depressed, I finally drew the courage to go “complete no contact” after yet another silent treatment by the narc. Six weeks into my discard, following his silent treatment, he hoovered me during a one week period but I did not succumb to this manipulation and am now almost 3 months no contact. Each day I feel a little less addicted to him and a little less crazy but I still think about him every day. I am now realizing that my dad, my oldest brother, my ex- husband, my brother-in-law all suffer from NPD. My mom and my sister display some traits but not completely. Discovering that all these loved ones are responsible for so much pain over the years is undescribable. It is extremely painful to learn that my older brother who was always my hero and the family hero is an empty shell of a person; but thinking back it all makes sense now. I hope and pray my story saves someone from the deep and lingering pain that I have endured over the past 7-8 months. If you are still involved in one of these soul sucking relationships please please get help from a counselor, start the self-care process and hide yourself from your narc. Do not allow them access to you because they will continue draining your lifeblood. Your life and future depends on this. The pain is numbing, and very very very painful but there is hope if you reach out to God and cry out to Him for help while also talking to professionals who can help.
I feel for you but don’t feel so alone now. I said so many mean things after the discard in between absolute begging. After every mean rant I’d apologize minutes later. Her response throughout it all? Silence. It made me think I was the narcissist. I was so emotionally destroyed. It feels good to know others have begged or raged as well.