Last night I posted about a wannabe predator who was using some of the most common scams on myself and some other women. He was trying to pseudo bond with us and was trying a bunch of us at once in hopes that someone would fall for it.
Said predator was mirroring several of us and claiming we had a connection or were soulmates. After two brief, neutral conversations, the guy told me how important I was to him because we had so much in common due to having narcissistic mothers. I thought this was very strange. How can I be so important to your life that fast? (The answer is, I can’t!) This person contacted me because I had openly commented on a thread about abusive mothers. I speak honestly about dealing with my narcissist mother and going no contact, because I want others to recognize what they are dealing with, and realize it’s okay to move on.
He sent me a message saying he could relate, so I responded lightly about my experiences and asked about his. Instead of answering me or saying a single word about the topic, he started telling me how much we had in common. He was mirroring me!
We all want to meet others who can relate to us, so when a predator uses mirroring, it often works, at least at first. But actions speak louder than words. This guy was far more interested in talking about how much we had in common and how connected we were than actually talking about what we had in common! He was pushing a quick bond and false closeness even though we hadn’t even talked about this topic he claimed we had in common.
It reminded me of when I met my ex narcopath. He mirrored me big time, and by then end of our first call, when we’d barely met each other in person, he said we were separated at birth. He said he had a similar childhood, he liked the same music, he shared the same future goals, he liked the same hobbies, he had the same political beliefs…you name it. But as with the predator I wrote about last night, my ex narcopath spent more time pushing the idea that we were so much alike than he actually spent doing the things he claimed to enjoy. At first, I was so excited to have found a partner to enjoy my hobbies, and to find someone who understood me. Soon, I realized that every time I tried to talk about our common interests, or get out of the house to enjoy them, he was not interested. In fact, he got mad and said some of them were for losers. Funny, because when he was trying to win me over, he thought they were great….
So beware of the person who claims you have so much in common. Yes, you might have so much in common. Or…they might just be saying that to get close to you. Do their actions show you have things in common? Or are they just telling you that you do? Attraction–genuine or predatory happens quickly, but true bonding and friendship takes time.