Are people who support the narcissist just as guilty?

Be the one who stands against abuse. When I find out someone is friendly with my narcopath ex, I automatically distrust them. I often block them and avoid them. The ex was violently abusive with me, my children and my pets, as well as dozens–if not hundreds–of other women over the years. Not to mention restaurant servers, co-workers, random people on the road, and pretty much anyone the narc felt like attacking in a fit of rage…. So to me, anyone who wants to be friends with that is bad news!

On the other hand, as some of my real friends have suggested, I too was once fooled by the sociopath. I too disregarded warnings. Can I really think so badly of others who are still charmed? When people warned me about my ex’s history of aggression, I confronted him. He convinced me so reasonably that those people were just jerks. And, since he was love bombing me so hard, I had no reason to believe he was anything other than Prince Charming.

Wrong.

So sometimes, I try not to feel angry at his “friends,” and I try to have empathy and remember that I too was once fooled. Some people ignorantly try to stay out of stories, and they try to play both sides. Still, to me, that is offensive. The guy nearly killed me and my children! To me, there is NO “both sides.” There is only the reality that this guy is a violent psychopath. So I struggle with trying not to despise the narcopath’s friends. I know they aren’t truly friends and I know they are just his supply. I know that if they got closer to him, they’d learn the truth.

But here’s where I draw the line:
If I have told someone in detail just how bad things were, and they still choose to befriend the narcopath, then I have a problem with that. Basically, they are either showing that they don’t believe me, or that they don’t find anything wrong with the narcopath’s violence. Either way, that means they are not someone who would be good to have in my life. Even if they don’t know the full story, they have been alerted that the narcopath¬†is someone who is very dangerous, so it’s up to them to be diligent and pay attention. If they choose to ignore that warning or they simply don’t care, in my mind, they have purposely chosen to befriend someone who hurts others without fact-checking.

And worse…if they have seen the actual evidence of the narcopath’s behavior with myself and others and they still choose to believe and befriend the narcopath, then I have to wonder if they are just really gullible or if they are missing a conscience themselves. From time to time, I’ll trust someone and share with them some of the evidence I have proving that my ex is a liar and that he’s been in trouble before–things that show he is not a good person or a credible person. But, he’s still charming and he still fools many people even after they’ve seen clear evidence that he is not to be trusted. At that point, the guilt is all on them.

I personally would not support a proven abuser, nor would I want to be friends with one, so I don’t really want to associate with people who do. Call me judgmental, but I think this is really just a matter of good judgement! I do not want anything to do with people who hurt others. So, when people who know what the narcopath does choose to be friends with him anyway, I avoid them. Red flag!!!

6 thoughts on “Are people who support the narcissist just as guilty?

  1. We must have been with the same man! I feel exactly the way you do. My ex friend knew all about my ex husband but he fooled her into believing him and they started seeing each other behind my back. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. This time I filed for divorce and she got what she deserved. I’m sure she is wishing she had believed me now!

  2. No one warned me early on…yes, I saw the red flags, but I didn’t know what they meant, as I was clueless about his pathology. So, yes, you could say I was taken, but I just didn’t know! I was so naive and gullible! I did numerous background checks on him, and nothing ever came up! He was clean!

    It was only after I was thoroughly hooked… when my son tried to warn me that something was off although even he couldn’t say what was precisely wrong. When my son wanted me to be alone and lonely, I couldn’t bear that so I aborted breaking up with the disordered one. I still didn’t know what he was about!

    As to their admirers and followers or flying monkeys as we now say…they seem to have a few traits that are interesting. They often have their own issues. They are in denial even after they’ve been warned…they still don’t get it! They’re often not the sharpest tools in the shed. They don’t want to hear the truth, and try to shut the victim up so their reality remains unthreatened.

    You do have to remember that most of those people don’t know what he’s like behind closed doors! All they see is the public charming image the psychopath presents! Yes, we believed it too until we saw for ourselves what he was like.

    I’d like to say it’s not totally their fault…but when someone lays the pathology all out for them…and still refuse to believe! Something is wrong with them! You are right to cut them out of your life. They may have their own mental disorder. I see that now.

    Not sure I understand it all myself, but now I believe and avoid those people like the plague. Ditto the psychopath! Him, I can do without and then some! I can see these types a mile off now! My motto is “Save Yourself! Run!” I do!

  3. hi i have had the same experience with people, my so called best friend for the past 50 years did this to me,she went about spouting to my sister and mother who were totally fooled with his charm that she had seen the other side of him and her and my daughter were the only 2 people who believed me and supported me, until she met him in the street cuddled him asked how his girlfriend was that she knew her and really liked her, also told him not to feel awkward with her because she had to take my side as i was her friend, no mention of the fact i had done nothing wrong and he made my life a misery, she even told me she did all this because she was trying to find info about him and his girlfriend,the next time she tried the i know him card to someone, i stopped her and said you know him so well you kissed and cuddled him when you met him, needless to say i dont see her much any more i cannot trust someone like that.

  4. What if the narcissist is a family member and other family members a siding with the narcissist? I do believe that my family is scared of my sister too and no one has ever stood up to her and now that I am finally standing up for myself, now I’m the bad guy. How do I apply these principles when it’s a family member? My sister has bullied me my entire life and has used gas lighting and scapegoating me whenever I stand up for myself and my brother and sister inlaw and nieces/nephews all take her side, It hurts so deeply…….

  5. It’s never a good idea to bad mouth the sociopath to others because they are confidence artists. You don’t get that title without years and years of practice till perfect. They know what to say, when to say it, to whom, and they practice genuine feelings till they nail it better than a real genuine person does. Because genuine people don’t have to practice, and they think that surely their goodness is glaringly obvious to anyone observing or interacting with them. This is not true. Because when we relax and assume our genuine self glows, we tend to drop the “dazzle” with that confidence that no one will mistake it for being mean or uncaring, but that they will surely see that you are under duress and forgive you or ask if they can help. This makes it so easy for a con artist to step in and use your innocent behaviors and dress them up to mimic bad intentions or distrust. The pour on the charm and they never miss a moment to draw attention to their outstanding humane morals, but they are all fake. There is no question that fake works and it’s more attractive than real. That’s why we cry during movies and sad songs. That’s why our hearts flutter when a celebrity crush briefly catches your eye in the audience and winks. When someone flatters us, and acts charmed about you, your natural instinct is to say to yourself, “finally someone sees me for who I am” and you think you met your prince charming. It takes a hell of a long time to really know the depth of a person’s soul, and after that, you have to really have hooked them somehow to keep them happy to care about you. This is not a usual thing about people. They hang on to people who make them feel perfect just being who they are. They get rewarded for everything they do and say, and lovingly, playfully teased when they screw up. Have you ever seen some confident person in public who does something embarrassing or annoying and everyone playfully laughs with them about it, then you do the same thing and everyone get impatient or annoyed or makes smacking sounds and sighs dreadfully? Well, the truth is, those things are always annoying unless you are trying to get that person to fall for you, then it’s worth it to you to make light of it. Sociopaths are pros at all of those subtle nuances that hook people to them without them even noticing it happening. There is nothing better than that feeling, and when someone interrupts that feeling and says, “Hey, don’t be stupid like I was. This person isn’t as charming as you think!” The only thing that sounds like, and ever will sound like, is, “Hey, I’m bitter that I wasn’t fun enough for this guy and he treated me like dirt. You are no better than I am so he will treat you like dirt.” Which brings me to the next human nature thing that we all tell ourselves, and it’s a good thing in some arenas in life, but leaves you vulnerable in romance and/or friendships with sociopaths, and that is to react to that person like he or she is trying to bring them down cause they’re jealous, and they will automatically, without even thinking about it, assume that there was something unattractive about you (which it seems like when you are talking shit about their prince) and that they will be cherished because they are better than you were. This will ALWAYS happen. You are right to steer clear of them but don’t ever bad mouth a sociopath because if it comes around to them, they will stop at nothing to shut you down so hard you won’t recover. A sociopath with stop at NOTHING to win, and people with a conscience will stop at the first thing when competing with a sociopath. They are sub human, but they make up for it in their skill to deceive. Don’t ever underestimate or try to dismantle that skill because you are not cruel enough and you care too much about those things that they are willing to hurt or destroy in order to scare you away. And they will blame it on you, and you will be so out of your mind crazy by then, everyone will believe it. Because they are CON-fidence artists. The “con” stands for confidence. They know exactly how to gain people’s trust, whereas we all just assume our trustworthiness will be seen by others without trying.

  6. It’s never a good idea to bad mouth the sociopath to others because they are confidence artists. You don’t get that title without years and years of practice till perfect. They know what to say, when to say it, to whom, and they practice genuine feelings till they nail it better than a real genuine person does. Because genuine people don’t have to practice, and they think that surely their goodness is glaringly obvious to anyone observing or interacting with them. This is not true. Because when we relax and assume our genuine self glows, we tend to drop the “dazzle” with that confidence that no one will mistake it for being mean or uncaring, but that they will surely see that you are under duress and forgive you or ask if they can help. This makes it so easy for a con artist to step in and use your innocent behaviors and dress them up to mimic bad intentions or distrust. The pour on the charm and they never miss a moment to draw attention to their outstanding humane morals, but they are all fake. There is no question that fake works and it’s more attractive than real. That’s why we cry during movies and sad songs. That’s why our hearts flutter when a celebrity crush briefly catches your eye in the audience and winks. When someone flatters us, and acts charmed about you, your natural instinct is to say to yourself, “finally someone sees me for who I am” and you think you met your prince charming. It takes a hell of a long time to really know the depth of a person’s soul, and after that, you have to really have hooked them somehow to keep them happy to care about you. This is not a usual thing about people. They hang on to people who make them feel perfect just being who they are. They get rewarded for everything they do and say, and lovingly, playfully teased when they screw up. Have you ever seen some confident person in public who does something embarrassing or annoying and everyone playfully laughs with them about it, then you do the same thing and everyone get impatient or annoyed or makes smacking sounds and sighs dreadfully? Well, the truth is, those things are always annoying unless you are trying to get that person to fall for you, then it’s worth it to you to make light of it. Sociopaths are pros at all of those subtle nuances that hook people to them without them even noticing it happening. There is nothing better than that feeling, and when someone interrupts that feeling and says, “Hey, don’t be stupid like I was. This person isn’t as charming as you think!” The only thing that sounds like, and ever will sound like, is, “Hey, I’m bitter that I wasn’t fun enough for this guy and he treated me like dirt. You are no better than I am so he will treat you like dirt.” Which brings me to the next human nature thing that we all tell ourselves, and it’s a good thing in some arenas in life, but leaves you vulnerable in romance and/or friendships with sociopaths, and that is to react to that person like he or she is trying to bring them down cause they’re jealous, and they will automatically, without even thinking about it, assume that there was something unattractive about you (which it seems like when you are talking shit about their prince) and that they will be cherished because they are better than you were. This will ALWAYS happen. You are right to steer clear of them but don’t ever bad mouth a sociopath because if it comes around to them, they will stop at nothing to shut you down so hard you won’t recover. A sociopath with stop at NOTHING to win, and people with a conscience will stop at the first thing when competing with a sociopath. They are sub human, but they make up for it in their skill to deceive. Don’t ever underestimate or try to dismantle that skill because you are not cruel enough and you care too much about those things that they are willing to hurt or destroy in order to scare you away. And they will blame it on you, and you will be so out of your mind crazy by then, everyone will believe it. Because they are CON-fidence artists. The “con” stands for confidence. They know exactly how to gain people’s trust, whereas we all just assume our trustworthiness will be seen by others without trying.

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