I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with my narcopath ex and our son. Of course, it doesn’t surprise me, but it is pure narcissist! Basically, he tells everyone who will listen that he loves his son so much, but hardly ever gets to see him. He tells everyone that this is my fault, and I am refusing visits. This isn’t true, but the narcopath’s actions speak much louder than his words. In reality, the narc has refused, postponed and canceled visits for months at a time…all while telling his audience that I am a horrible person who refuses visits. There are many people who are wrongly convinced that I am alienating my son from his loving father. Yeah right!
I ended the marriage when I was pregnant, and I got a restraining order because the narcopath had assaulted me. As I’ve blogged before, it wasn’t the most violent attack ever, and it was nothing compared to the verbal, mental and emotional abuses, but I knew that the physical violence would only get worse. When I wanted to end the marriage, the narc told me that I’d better have an abortion if I was worried about paying for the pregnancy because he would not help. He told me he would not be involved with the baby because he didn’t want to be a single dad. He said having a child would hold him down and make it harder for him to meet his next wife. (It wasn’t the first or only time he referred to his “next” wife during the short marriage!) He’d already told me that he would miss the birth anyway, because the baby’s due date got in the way of a yearly social convention that he goes to every year. He seriously told me that he hadn’t missed the event in nearly 30 years and he wasn’t going to. No matter what. I was flabbergasted. Who says things like that?!! (Oh yeah…a narcissist!)
So, thanks to my ending the marriage and getting a restraining order, the narc was not involved in my child’s birth. And, until the divorce was final, the court did not give him any visitation rights. I had *nothing* to do with the lack of visits. In fact, it was his own behavior that caused it. First, during our initial court hearing, he denied paternity and asked for a DNA test. I am known for being extremely chaste, so there was zero doubt about who my son’s father was, but the narc wanted to hold up the divorce…because it would hold up child support. That delayed the divorce, the child support and the visits for several months. Then, we had our last hearing where he was awarded visitation time as soon as the divorce was final. During the session, Narcopath asked the magistrate to cancel my restraining order so he could come to my house that night and meet my son. He said he was very desperate to meet the baby, and he insisted that the ONLY way he could do it was if the magistrate dropped the order and let him come to my home right away. The magistrate told him “no,” and said he’d have to arrange visits through a visitation center since he was NOT going to be allowed near me. We were told to submit our information to the visitation center within 10 days so we could arrange visits. I went home and did as instructed. He did not. He refused to contact the center, and he refused sign the divorce papers for well over a month–still holding up MEETING his son for the first time! During this time, he continued to tell people that I was refusing visits. He gained a lot of sympathy, and I had a harem of nasty women trashing me on Facebook. I came to realize that he didn’t care about the baby at all. He just wanted the restraining order dropped and he wanted to be able to harass me. When he didn’t get what he wanted, my son ceased to matter in his eyes.
Every month, I called the visitation center to see if they’d heard from him yet, (once he finally signed the divorce papers.) Nope. They kept contacting him, but he wouldn’t respond, or he made excuses and said he’d call back. He never did call back, so they kept trying. This went on for six more months until the baby was a year old. Narcopath had still never MET his son, and it was all by his own doing. During this time, he traveled all over the country and posted photos of his trips. Other people posted pictures of him at parties all over the country. Most of these places were farther away than the trip to MEET his son. But still, he went to all these events and smeared me. He played alienated father and got himself tons of attention and sympathy.
We have had several follow up hearings to give him more visits, but he has turned them down. He does not want anything more than one visit a month. But, he does want one longer visit. It hit me recently that he wants this longer visit–not to see my son, but so he can take my son out of state to one of his social events. Of course, this isn’t about being with my son or about being a father. It’s about getting attention through my son. The narcopath already posts photos of my son more often than he actually sees him, and he makes Facebook posts to pretend he’s seeing my son more often. He even tells people he sees my son three times a month, when he really refused extra visits and only sees my son once. He would never see my son more often because it would take away from his socializing time and all the trips he makes to meet new targets.
For all his crying about alienation, he has repeatedly shown that he’s not really that interested in my son as anything other than a way to get attention. Sad.