The little lies roll right off the narcissist’s tongue…and they serve a purpose

narclittlelieswindow3

Every narcissist lies.

All the time.

Lies are essential to their games and the facades they create, and lies come so easily to them. I don’t even think they plan ahead or rehearse. They just open their mouths and the most beautiful, “reasonable,” and believable lies pour out.

I used to see my narcissist mother lie about the silliest things that didn’t matter. Or at least, I didn’t think they did. She would pathologically lie about anything and everything. I’d always wrinkle my forehead in confusion. Why lie? It was like she couldn’t help herself. Sometimes, the lies would get her attention or get her out of trouble, but other times, they did nothing as far as I could tell.

Then, I saw my narcopath ex lie even more. His lies were more malicious, and more delicious. His were traps. They were covers. It was easy to see why he lied, (once I realized he was lying.)

And so I’ve learned that lies are second nature for narcissists.


These lies comes so easily, the narcopath would make them up off the top of his head. They just come right out. He adjusts them for his audience because different parts of the lies affect people differently. He touches people’s emotions. Different lies for mothers, fathers, men, women, police officers, bosses…. He knew to look for their values and make his stories touch their weaknesses or their passions in life. The lies are so emotional and believable, that people rarely compare them to realize they don’t match up.

When my ex wants to recruit others to attack me, he tells the divorced fathers that I alienate him from his son. He told one of my close friends, (a mother,) that I was cruel and mean to my mother. He tells domestic violence victims that I abused him. He tells victims of narcissists that he was abused by a narcissist. Narcissists adjust the stories for their listener’s soft spots–the spots they can relate to.

Not only do narcissists lie to fool people or to cover their tracks, but they tell little lies to set a tone or create an image. Little things that you might not think matter much, stick in the listener’s head and come back later. For example, when narcopath scared one of his ex-girlfriends with a road rage fit, he talked her out of being afraid of him by telling her he got so mad because he was upset that the other driver almost hurt her. He said he cared so much, that he got scared about losing her. She didn’t date him much longer than that, so she easily bought that explanation. She never saw that it was a repeated pattern. She now thinks he is a guy who loves his friends and family so much, he will fight to protect them. She wasn’t around long enough to see the truth, so twenty years later, she told me how great he was and how upset he got about her safety. Yeah right. He nearly killed myself and my children in multiple road raging incidents. It wasn’t because he cared. It is because he’s a psychopath! But that alternate image he placed in her head stayed there, and she still repeats it as truth. He planted a good image of himself that was never erased. It’s amazing how the first impression sticks despite later proof that it was not real. One initial lie takes many later realities to dispute.

Narcissists will also plant little lies about their targets to destroy our reputations. We had issues with narcopath trashing or passively trashing me when he had supervised visits with my son. He would make little comments to the teachers or even directly to my toddler. They were recorded as black marks against him, because trashing the other parent is against the rules, but they still made an image. He’d say things like “I don’t think his mother reads to him at home,” with such concern. In reality, I have a master’s degree in literature…and I read a ton. There are literally over 2000 books in my home. He knows this. The visitation center doesn’t. So now they have this little seed planted that…maybe mother doesn’t read. Funny thing is, narcopath doesn’t like to read and admits it. He also made comments to my son who was just a year old at the time. “I hope mommy doesn’t let too many other men hold you and play daddy,” setting the tone that I’m a slut with men running in and out of my house. I haven’t dated in 4 years! Nor do I want to. But, even though he got a write-up for that comment, the words are in the supervisor’s brain. There are all kinds of things like this that have been said. Little reputation busters.

Narcissists will turn negative things they’ve done into sources of sympathy and ways to look like good people. During one court date, narcopath admitted losing yet another job. The magistrate asked why. He immediately had the saddest story. He moved across the country to start a new job and spent so much money relocating, (to be a supervisor, by the way,) but the company had over hired and hit financial hardship. Sadly, after all his sacrifices, he was laid off. The magistrate felt bad for him. The Human Resources records show he was never a supervisor, but he was fired for misconduct–after just four months and multiple write-ups for bullying co-workers and raging at authority figures. The magistrate didn’t know that. At the time, I already knew it but I had no evidence. So…it slid by in court. Another little lie to set an image. A supervisor. Gee, he must be especially responsible.

More than once, he has referred to his house in court. Narcopath rents an empty house half a country away from where he is living. It sits empty, but he uses it for his address. He calls it his house. At our last court date, he said “I still own the house.” He definitely said “own.” Setting the tone that he’s a home owner. He’s responsible. He’s stable. he has a home base. Problem? He doesn’t own the home. According the the county, it is currently owned by a property management company that rents it to narcopath. He has never owned it or any other home. But, his purposeful use of “own” slid right into the conversation and added to the image he wanted to create. If I point out this lie, it’s going to look silly. Fighting about a word the narcissist said at our last hearing? But it’s out there now and it’s in the magistrate’s mind that he owns a home.

These little lies slide into all of the narcissist’s conversations. Little hints that the targets might be immoral, crazy, dangerous, etc…. Little hints that boost the narcissist’s image. Subconsciously, the listener absorbs them. A rumor doesn’t have to be true to be believed. The pathological liar can slowly destroy you over the years with well-placed little lies. They can build their own positive images.  The lies aren’t big enough to shock people. They just sneak into people’s heads and stay there.

10 thoughts on “The little lies roll right off the narcissist’s tongue…and they serve a purpose

  1. I see there are lots of histories re: narcopath partners. What do you do when you find that your sister is one of these evil creatures? My younger sister has caused so much trouble for me within my family with her lies but I still wish to be a part of my larger family. I can’t divorce or leave her to solve the problem. I also don’t wish to impose my views on the rest of the family as this would possibly make me feel as if I am as bad as her. I think they all know she is a ‘difficult’ person to deal with but she is still a part of their family. I have cut all contact with her in an effort to starve her of the oxygen she needs but she still continues to manipulate others in the family against me. I can’t see an end to this unless I move away – which I’m really not sure I want to do at the tender age of 61! I’m a surveyor, I go into peoples’ houses in my job and I’m always on the look out for fraudsters and liars. I have met a few – but in my career doing around 15,000 to 20,000 inspections (where the occupants were present) I have never encountered anyone as evil as my own sister. Ofcourse I loathe and despise her, but at the same time I pity anyone born without a conscience – that’s the little element which we all need to make us truly human empathetic beings. Hey – this is my first blog on any site, on any subject, anywhere!

    • Chris, I can really empathize with your story, as I too have a sister I have concluded to be a sociopath. I have the same situation with my family siding with her and defending her actions, especially our widowed elderly mother. My sister’s lies and accusations against me have caused a lot of emotional pain for me. I have lived 600+ miles away from my family of origin for the past 30 years – thank God!! But my absence makes it that much easier for my sister to poison relationships – family, old highschool and college friends, anyone who she comes in contact with – behind my back. I am not there to even hear most of the lies that she is spinning, but some do get “leaked” and back to me. I went no-contact with my sister about 8 years ago, and of course my family thinks I am the “bad guy”. Like you, I feel a little sorry for my sister in that she has no conscience, morals or sense of self. She goes through life putting on different personas depending on who she is “dating” (a.k.a. shacking up with) at the time. She is 60 years old and tries to hit on men much younger. She is in charge of our mother and has worked hard to convince her that she is the only one of us four siblings that “cares”. She is going for the gold and using lies and manipulation to keep our mother under her control. It is a very sad situation, but I think the only solution is to seal off your heart and use distance as your defense. There is no winning when you are up against a sociopath. They win always and at all cost. Although they do lose most of the good people in their life (those that see the light), that doesn’t bother them because they don’t value real loving/caring relationships. They value money, sex, power and control and will lie, manipulate, exploit and outright steal to get it. I understand your feelings of hate and loathing for your sister, I fight the same feelings. But I try not to hate her because I wouldn’t hate a snake for being a dangerous predator. I would just be aware that snakes are dangerous and avoid coming into contact with one. Same thing goes for a human predator – NO CONTACT!! That is so much harder when the predator is a family member though, as we both know! Welcome to the online blog community – the only place we targets and victims can get any validation or understanding!! It is truly a lifesaver for me! In your post you say you are 61…could it be that your sister is possibly posturing to be in control of a future inheritance from your parents? Just a thought…with sociopaths you have to follow the money. Once I found out my sister’s underlying motives, her actions suddenly made sense to me.

  2. I have been targeted by these monsters my entire life. I was born into a very large family of them and then I married into a nest of them. My sister is a full-bore phychopath who terrorized me my entire childhood. She got three of my sibling to join her when I was twelve and the four of them terrorized me 24/7 for my entire teenage years. My parents did absolutely nothing and sometimes joined them. I escaped by marrying at age nineteen to a full-bore psychopath. I used to ask him things like “did my sister hire you to marry me to keep in going or “when I married you I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.” The MO was identical – it was astounding. Then one day I had the word psychopath pop into my head. I had spent over twenty-five years wondering what was wrong that I could not get through to this person. I thought about what a psychopath meant. They had two personalities and they had no conscious. I sat down to the computer and typed in the word…….and I started to read. Before long I was crying and then just sobbing realizing what I had done. The people who read the articles and books I eventualy read described my parents, sister, brother, husband, in-laws. fast forward seven years ago. my son came home with a new girlfriend eight years his senior. Three weeks later he shocked us by telling us he was going to Italy with this person he had only known three weeks. He them came home and really blew us away telling us they were engaged and were going to be married in about ten weeks. We were quite upset but there was nothing we could do. I knew right away that this person was bad news. How right I was. Enter the next psychopath in my life. She then became the mother of my grandchildren. She treated my entire family like dirt. She would not speak to my other sons’ girlfriends or later wife. She clearly hates women. It has finally blown up at Christmas as was there myself with only my son and her and she blew up like a lunatic and blamed me. I now cannot see my grandchildren. My son joins her in blaming me for this. He will not listen to anyone and he now even joins her. He lost his family to this person. He is now alone with her and they are abusive to my grandsons. I just cannot take anymore of this life. My other daughter in law who is also very abused by this witch wants me to keep going but she does not understand it is no longer just about my lost grandbabies. I have absolutely no future. I will be alone as it is a guarantee that if I ever allow another person in my life in any role they will be a psychopath. I do nothing. I no longer exercise. I do no work. I cry every day but have to hide it so as not to be a burden to my family. I left my husband to get a new start that I was very excited about and now the universe has shown me that I am not allowed a life of peace. I am 54 and I wish I were dead. psychopaths have literally destroyed my entire life and have now finally destroyed me.

  3. I am not going to post my whole story, as it is just too long and I have a lot on my plate today, but I stumbled onto this site and wanted to chime in.

    I have been married to my narc for almost 6 years.in the beginning I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be with him….but that didn’t last long. In fact, we didn’t even have sex on our wedding night.

    It is a sexless marriage. We haven’t had sex in over 3 years, but at this point that is a blessing. He is verbally abusive almost 24/7. Everything is my fault. He lies COMSTANTLY. Even when he is caught in a lie, he continues to deny it.

    I have lost every friend I ever had because of him. No one, not even my family, respects me anymore. And how can I blame them? They see how he treats me and don’t understand why I don’t “just leave”, but I cannot see a way out. He has effectively cut off any hope I have for the future. I am disabled, but I was a junior in college when we married, he promised that, if I married him, he would support me while I finished school. That was a lie. He has done everything in his power to prevent me from finishing school.

    I am honestly at the end of my rope. I think about suicide almost every day.

    Evie

  4. Hi Evie,

    I was reading about the lies the narcissist says to drive you nut and my heart goes to you

    You may believe your life has no purpose but let me tell you that thought is a lie. A lie that the narcissist wants you to believe. His after your soul so don’t give in. Read more about these evil emotionless vampires and work on yourself to gain your self esteem and find your strength.

    Your life is precious. Get support from family and friends so that you are not always living too much in your head.

    Plan for your freedom it all starts in your head. You will be free One day you will be free. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL ! FIGHT to be free don’t give up. Free yourself ! FIND YOUR OWN TRUE WILL….

    RGPS
    Lynette

  5. In my family it is my mother and sister, as it was my maternal grandmother before them. They say it runs in families. I have been low contact for nearly two years after my mother attacked me to my teenage daughter and my daughter finally told me that mom and sis had been bad mouthing me for two years every time they got her alone. Final straw. They do not change, so I had to. I miss my family, especially my dad (who goes along with mom and sis). I stayed home and watched movies this Christmas. However, I have not even been asked why I, someone who was formarily very connected to the family, have not spoken to them except through email for the past two years. They know why, but in their minds they are never wrong, so it’s my problem.

    Life is much more peaceful now. LC/NC is hard at times, but they’re going to lie about you whether your there or not. As my niece put it, “We keep trying to prove we’re good and they keep trying to prove we’re not.” Very perceptive kid.

  6. I just don’t understand why my Narc x won’t leave me alone after almost six years. Do they ever move on? He has a live in girlfriend, why doesn’t he direct his bs at her. Talks bad about me all the time to my kids and lies continually in court to further his “I am the victim” facade Yes still going to court and spending tons of money on lawyers ( their favorite game of financial abuse) I have thought about giving up and letting him have the kids too many times too count but ultimately know I can not do that to them. I keep telling myself it will be over when my youngest turns 18 (14 years away) but will it? Do they ever move on????

  7. Hi Survivor,

    I was in the same situation as you 7 years ago. i decided to go No- Contact with him because he almost drove me crazy. He engages with the Nanny to gain access to his Son. He would put his annoying perfume on my son (6yrs old) and lie to him making himself a victim whereas he is the one who had an affair at work and eventually married his mistress. I choose to ignore all his calls or attempts to have a triangulation of some sought with his wife one of his ways to try and still relevant in my life. i began building firm boundaries around me and my son. Nothing he ever does now gets to me or affect us anymore.

    You have to build an invisible wall around yourself so that whatever he says through the kids does not affect you. I have a rule in the house with my Son and that is we don’t talk about his Dad or his wife period.

    For the sake of your children, try to keep things as amicable as possible with him BUT do not give up the kids no matter what he does, he will not put the needs of your children first but his, you wont be free because he will make sure you go through more emotional torture.

    Get your life in super order . Just remember that although you cannot control another person’s behavior, you can control your own, master your own life, your emotions and ensure that you are always calm and in control – remember this is not going to change the narcissist’s behavior but only maintain your sanity. The ultimate goal here is your children being able to have a healthy relationship with you, prove all his lies wrong by living your truth. Ensure that as you co-parent with your ex that it is as conflict-free as possible eventually he will get bored and start giving B.S to his girlfriend. Do not engage in his crazy making engagements he will always come for more.

    Lastly, educate yourself about these Evil Emotionless Vampires and fight to be Free.

    RGPS
    Lynette

    • Hi Lynette,

      Thank you for the words of encouragement! I have to say I have gone No Contact with my narc x as much as possible, but he made sure to have the courts order that I have to communicate with him. It all goes through an email medium so nothing can be hacked and all can be used in the court. He will send very lengthy emails trying to bait me into an argument or upset me to get a reaction and make me look crazy and also have to constantly defend myself against his lies as he believes that as long as it is written in an email it becomes truth. I do like your rule of not talking about your sons father in your home. My 10 year old already catches his Father in some of his lies and tends to not want to talk to him for their phone and skype visitation. However this is turned around on me and he says I will not let him talk to his son. I forced my child for awhile to get on the phone and talk even if he just sat there saying nothing, in fear of the courts taking them away. I must mention that We had a crooked judge for my two sons (that was eventually kicked off the bench) and she ordered I pay for travel and things that I could never afford in the first place and she never looked at my financial situation to see if I could afford it. I make 25,000 a year and he makes 90,000. We still have no new orders and he does not have to pay any child support for them. His latest stunt was taking my daughter, who is under a different states jurisdiction and removing her from the state when there are orders against her leaving the state. I don’t know if it was a test or just that he thought he wouldn’t get caught because he is above the law. He has threatened me with disappearing with my children and I will never see them again. The courts don’t see him as a threat to his kids, but now after this I am even more fearful and don’t know what to do. I have to follow court orders but at the same time know that those court orders do nothing but feed my children to the wolves and as a mother who would do anything to protect her children, I can’t! This is my daily struggle! I know that in order to keep my children in my life and show them there is good in the world and to hopefully have them grow up to not be like their father (even though chances are very high at least one of them will be) I have to endure his BS until my youngest is an adult and no longer subjected to the jurisdiction of the courts! I just hope he moves on before then!

      Survivor

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