What the court system has taught me about domestic violence

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I haven’t been posting much lately because I have been in a great place in life. However, this post is going to be filled with frustrations. It’s not a happy post, but it is reality.

There are a lot of us out there who are living with genuine terror, PTSD, anxiety, depression and more after going through narcissistic and sociopathic abuse. We aren’t just women who are making up stories to hurt our exes. We are women who lie awake in bed at night reliving the abuse and the cruel things that were said and done to us. We are women who feel sick when we think about the things our abusers did to our children. We are women who can barely catch our breath when we have to send our babies to be alone with abusers who nearly killed us and/or them. We are struggling badly. We are desperate for help. We need to be heard and believed. We want help so we can protect our children from the intense abuses we endured with our exes.

But the louder we yell to be heard, the more society and the courts let us down.

Through this terrifying ordeal of abuse and smear campaigns where my ex lies and lies and lies and gets away with it, I have learned some harsh and disgusting realities about our legal system.

1. Abusers are almost never held accountable…but the victim will be shamed for reacting to the abuse.
2. We are told to reach out for help, but if we do it will be used against us.
3. Depression is a crime. The abuser can torment you all day, but if you are depressed after years of struggling, YOU will be the bad parent.
4. The court does NOT care even if you have a ton of proof that your ex was violent and abusive.
5. Abusers have more rights than children. More rights than the people they violate.
6. Courts either don’t know or don’t care about the psychology behind domestic violence.
7. Abusive men manipulate claims of “parental alienation” to get custody from loving, protective mothers.
8. Guardian ad Litems and judges don’t comprehend that a man who abuses his child will also abuse the child.
9. Courts don’t care if the abuser doesn’t pay child support.
10. The abuser can do any damn thing they want, but when the survivor tries to get help, she will be accused of being petty or alienating the children.

Children are NOT safe in the court system.

15 thoughts on “What the court system has taught me about domestic violence

  1. This has certainly been my experience. And don’t you dare reach out to CPS…even when and especially when your children are being beaten raped and permanently disabled…your parental rights will be terminated, even if there isn’t a shred of evidence concerning all the false allegations’ against you. Even if Three investigator and seven court appointed attorneys quit not just the case but CPS as well because they do not wish to be part of the abuse of your children anylonger…no matter that your now adult children hate you and wish you dead because you didn’t save them , even though you went to jail because one of them ran away and came home to you.
    Yup …I’m the monster…How dare I fight for my children and fight to live and not die at the hand of the abuser….sorry Trigged I guess…rant over.
    Good article though. Straight truth, I’m sorry that this has been what happened in your life…It sucks… I’m still trying to survive it all.
    I really wish I had healing words for you …but I’m still healing and don’t know how ….yet.

    • CPS is working to support my abuser. They say I’m alienating a father and they don’t believe me about the abuse. They completely ignored the huge stack of evidence I gave them. It’s really horrifying, but that’s the reality. People who haven’t lived it have no clue. CPS doesn’t understand domestic violence, nor do they care.

  2. The court system is definitely not fair and not the place to go to protect your children. This is 2016 and we haven’t worked it out yet!
    My comment isn’t really about the court system, so I don’t know if it’s appropriate here….
    I didn’t go to court, but I know you are right when you say – nobody cares. My own family didn’t believe me. They thought then, and still do that I complain about nothing to get attention. My friends didn’t understand my behaviour and believed my ex-husband that I was the problem. My children think I’m unfairly targeting their dad and treat him badly, but they refuse to see the mental, psychological and all the other types of abuse because he repeatedly told them it’s OK. ‘It’s only your mother.’ They see it all through his eyes. ‘Poor dad’. They don’t even know that he used them to abuse me, and he still is. They are all adults now and refuse to see me, my sisters refuse to pass on photos or any information about my children. I did enquire about going to court for access to my grandchildren but was warned off by counsellors, solicitors and others who thought they were doing me a favour. They said it would make the situation worse. But how can it be any worse? I know I didn’t handle things in the best way and if I had the knowledge and the courage back then, I certainly would have done things very differently.
    I’m so sorry that you and many others are going through this hell. It takes a long time to heal enough, to live life, and I don’t know if I will ever heal completely. I was one of the lucky ones in that my children weren’t in danger from him physically, I was. I try to feel blessed that I had the time with my children when they were young and loved me, and block out the rest. They are now all adults and are able to make their own decisions whatever that may be. I made a mistake in who I chose to marry and try to forgive myself for it. I try to ‘accept the things I can’t change’ – hard, but do-able. I’m still going through counselling ten years later, BUT life is worth living now. I have remarried a wonderful man who tells me how much I’ve changed in the last few years – I have more confidence, I can look people in the eye when I talk to them, I can express my own opinions, etc. You WILL get past this, but it takes time and faith in the future. I found I had to lower my expectations. As a parent I’m happy that my children are getting on with their lives, they all have jobs and they are safe. I feel successful, and if that’s all I achieve in my life, it’s enough. I still get heartbroken at times when I look back, but they’re not what my life is about now, there is so much more to ‘me’ and I have to look ahead.
    You need to find hobbies or something that you’re good at and pursue it – you’ll make new friends, ones that won’t judge you on the past. Forgive yourself for making mistakes, you’re only human; find a good psychologist – you may have to try a couple before you find a good one; have faith in yourself and the future; be careful who you trust .. other people always have their own agendas, they just don’t tell you what they are; keep fighting, but make sure you’re fighting for the right reasons – think forward, not back; seek help from Abuse centres, but not government run ones – Dr Phil, White Ribbon etc
    I wish you well and hope that you and your children come through this safely.
    Diane

  3. I feel as if I were reading my own words. It’s so painful but true. I’m close to the end of my rope… Don’t know what else to do. Thank you for sharing

  4. Don’t give up Melissa. If you give up, he wins. You are worth much more than you know. You have to be the stronger one for the sake of your children. It’s hard and it hurts, but there’s life on the other side and you WILL get there.
    I stuck a series of inspirational quotes on my wall to help me keep going. I now have pictures of happy times and people I love. Believe it and picture it. It will be worth it.

  5. I am hurting…I have a daughter 9 and son 5, I was with him for 5.5 years. My daughter was brought up as his, she no longer wants anything to do with him. My son likes to see his dad, but in small doses. There were so many issues, lack of communication, safeguarding, not knowing where my kids were and him leaving the kids all the time with his elderly mother. So contact stopped July 15 and he took me to court 23rd Dec. By April all investigations had been done, deemed that there was no safeguarding issues, his property was visited and as there was no medical evidence for his mum that was ok. Well his mum is 76, blind is one eye, partially sighted in the other, had a mini stroke and on higher rate disability benefit. He keeps a fully furnished beautiful flat, but doesn’t live there, he lives with woman and keeps the flat for post and in between relationships. Yes should have been a red flag to me after all he lived with me our entire relationship, but he told me it was an asset for the kids. So now 6 unsupervised sessions have taken place. My son has been introduced to the new partner on the 2nd session without any discussion, he has only had two of the sessions on his own, the rest with his family and/or girlfriend. My son is supposed to have his first overnight stay in 10 days, yet so far during interim build up, he has not been to the property, meaning he has not been in his dad’s flat since July 2015. So where will my son sleep, at the new girlfriends. I gave no idea who she is or where she lives, at the grandmothers god my son to be dumped again so we’re back to square one. And also I am told is I can’t micromanage…please someone advise me

    • Sam, The only advise I can give you is to not give up, its the same advice I give my self on a daily basis. Trust your son to let you know when something has gone wrong. I don’t suggest questioning him after the visits, but do let him know that is ok to talk to you if something uncomfortable to him happens, if he is forthcoming then document it preferably in front of another adult that could be considered neutral. In the mean time I suggest contacting you local DV shelter and arrange for a child therapist to become involved. I believe that there are such resources available around you, though this is an assumption on my part as I’m in the US. Google Shelters and resources in your area. There is much more knowledge, understanding and acceptance of Narc Abuse now than there was is my day of dealing with it, with my children. There are many more resources out there (though its still not enough). I also suggest that you find on Facebook the group ” One moms Battle” They are a strong group of women who are on the same road, world wide. Some of them may even be in your area and know what resources are available to you. They are a good group of ladies who are there for each other and the group is very good about security. they don’t let just anyone in so you’ll be safe and so will your story. best of all You will be understood and not have to walk this road alone.

  6. I’m so sorry you’re in this position, but I can’t offer any advice, hopefully there will be somebody who can. It seems that there is a court system, a legal system but no justice system. They’re good at telling what you can’t do, but not what you can. Be strong for your son.

    • Thanks Diane. I am trying to keep strong, but it’s so irritating that the person who caused all the harm and upset seems to get exactly what they want and I am left to pick up all the pieces and have to watch my son be brought up in an environment that I don’t want for him.

  7. I had no idea that a 25 year marriage and sacrifice for my love of my children was viewed as nothing.
    I am not depressed at all!
    The document fraud is unconscionable.
    The evil is real!
    My faith gets stronger every day!
    I have never done nor will I ever be a part of such criminal acts that the powers that be engage in!
    They can all have it!
    I am not owned or controlled!
    The mask will come off!
    I do pray when others see and realize it , that they have faith and the strength to endure the pure evil that has been done by a sociopath , intentionally to them.

  8. I UNDERSTAND. This is exactly what I and my children are going thru. I am sorry for all those who went before, are going thru now and will do so in the future. Power, control and dominance is the only prevailing force here. The statement do what is best for the kids is not what is happening nor the prevailing train of thought here, just lets make sure the dad keeps control or contact to continue the abuse.

  9. Sadly, too many people have abused the court system by simply using it as a tool to “stick it” to their ex, so that now it is nearly impossible for the courts to distinguish the real cases from the petty ones. Additionally, so many stupid people are having babies with people they don’t even know, that the courts now only care about giving each parent as much time as they can. Unless one or more of the parents are extremely level-headed and strong, this has a devastating effect on those innocent children. They grow up thinking it’s normal and perpetuate the cycle. Get a good lawyer!!!!!!!! One who cares and specializes in this area. That is the only thing that saved me and my children. Yes, I’m now completely BROKE! But my children are safe, and we can heal.

  10. I wonder if you heard of the tragic incident in Australia concerning Rosie Batty and her son Luke Batty? Google the names.

    “AUSTRALIAN of the Year Rosie Batty says family violence needs to be seen as akin to terrorism…”

  11. Thank you for posting this. Mothers beware! All of this so true, and the word needs to be spread. Its an act of courage to say these things- from personal experience, no one wants to hear or believe the extent to which liars/controllers/manipulawith/abusers will be sided with. They practically get the carpets rolled out for them to do as they please. And of course, it’s your fault for “letting” it all happen. Just know this: “they” really do not care; not anyone related with the courts, rarely friends or the church, nor most family. Keep your head up and keep praying- but do NOT turn toward the courts. Their system, I believe, is to keep men involved in the picture no matter the cost to anyone, in order to prevent societal collapse. That is their only agenda, disguised as “fathers rights”.

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