Death and a Narcissist

Summer Meadow with Bee on Clover Flower, low POV, shallow DOF This post is about both the death of a narcissist, and a narcissist’s reaction to death. The former was my father. The latter is my mother. You see, I was blessed with two very sick people as parents…which left me completely alone to raise myself and figure out how the world and relationships were supposed to work.

My dad was a lifelong alcoholic with very severe problems, but he wasn’t brave enough to face them in therapy. He just self-medicated, closed off, and hardened himself. My mother is far more narcissistic. She is a covert narc, a pathological liar and a master manipulator. I guess you can tell I had far more empathy for my dad! I don’t think my dad was a narcissist as in having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think he was narcissistic due to extremely low self-esteem and pent up childhood trauma. He just shut up and shut off, and drank a lot instead of admitting his feelings. Sometimes, he would get brave and reach out in brief moments of honesty, and he truly did attempt to make amends for his errors. My mother will never change. She has the full disorder, and she’s lovin’ it. She enjoys hurting people too much. She too has severe problems, but she uses others to stroke her ego and give her excitement in her life.

My mother left my father in 1984 after years of emotionally abusing him and making him the scapegoat for her manipulation. She taught her family to do the same. Even to this day, her family uses him as a scapegoat to distract from all of her–and their–sick behavior. Before I cut contact with her for good, I would attempt to set boundaries, and she would start deflecting from her behavior with stories of things my dad did in the 70’s. I always preferred my dad, because he was capable of love and regret, and she wasn’t. She tried her best to destroy my thoughts about him. Her stories of things he supposedly did became more and more exaggerated and disgusting over the years. Even if they were true, she should have never told me.

Even when I was a grown adult and mother, and in my thirties with a home and a professional job, she would still demand that I stay under her control. If I didn’t obey her plans for my life, she would, I kid you not, go unannounced to my father’s house to tattle on me. Once she even called his wife at her place of employment, which is incredibly inappropriate. My dad remarried in 1986, and my mom had zero business consistently invading his privacy. But, she is a narcissist. That is what she does. In 2014, she triangulated a huge fight between my dad and me on her phone. Even though my dad had long acknowledged she was nuts, he got so irritated, that he started verbally attacking me too. My mom put her phone on speaker phone in a public location and smirked as my dad told me off–based on her insane lies and attempts to create drama. That day, I finally accepted that she was one sick person, and he was a dummy for buying her crap. I cut them both out of my life.

The difference is, my mom has continued to stalk me. She even befriended one of my neighbors with a mask of sweetness and concern, and calls my neighbor to get updates on my comings and goings. I don’t feel safe in my own home. I want her out of my business for good! On the other hand, I have long worried about my dad and wished that she hadn’t severed my only half-decent parent.

A couple months ago, I got the call that my dad was dying and wanted to see my children and me. He had felt guilty and missed us the whole time. He regretted what my mother had done. I dropped everything immediately, and went to see him. I saw him four times before he got too sick to know. Then I was there nightly while he was dying in Hospice. I got closure, and I know he heard my goodbyes to him. I feel peace about that situation.

However, I feel disgust at my mother’s behavior. Remember, this woman left him in 1984 and has trashed him over and over and over in the 32 years since. But, she is a narcissist, and she LOVES drama and bad news. Death gets her excited. In fact, when I was 12 years old, she dragged me to a funeral for the step-father of a woman she knew from work. Frankly, I think she had no business invading their family’s private time, but she knows no boundaries. Instead, she gleefully looked around at the dead man’s family, and whispered to me about how ugly they were, and how lucky we were to come from a beautiful family. (Too bad I look just like my dad’s family and not hers!)

So of course, my dad’s impending death drew her out. That’s how it goes with these disordered people. She started contacting everyone she could think of and having them send me sympathy cards. She tried to use the situation to get me to contact her. She repeatedly texted my oldest childhood friend, and she tried to control the information so that I would have to call her to get news about my dad. She tried guilt tripping, by saying that she too was near death, and that her heart problems were getting worse because she was literally broken hearted from my cutting contact. Even my dad’s imminent death was about her! When he passed, she sent flowers to the funeral home with her name hand written boldly on the card. Stunning for someone who had trashed the man and worked so hard to destroy my relationship with him for years! My mom has a very severe gossip problem, and like I said, she LOVES bad news, so I have no doubt she kept calling everyone over and over to talk about my dad like he was still her husband. How shameful that she would use his death for her social advantage. His wife even had to tell her to stay away, and she asked that people stop giving my mom information. That bad.

I can say one thing for sure, if I ever get the call the my mom is dying…I will not go. I will only be relieved.

11 thoughts on “Death and a Narcissist

  1. This is sad. I too have had strange episodes in recent past.
    My siblings , after my Dad died, said som weird stuff concerning my mom.
    She disowned me after harassing my children about me and an item I had not told them about.
    I see that the real sick narcopath uses children with sick marshaling.

    I believe I will still pay respect to my mother.
    I also believe, love and
    sticking to principles, aid in the peace that will come!

    I can also see how the crippled display used by narcopaths is an act!

    • Or they marry repeatedly. They want to trap someone. However, they usually cannot sustain relationships or marriages because they bully the other person so badly.

    • Hi Barbara, all the narcissists that I know are married. I suppose narcissism is not limited to married / single – but the do need an audience and people to vicimtimize.

  2. You wouldn’t believe what went down when my narc mother died. All I’ll say is once you think you are safe, she is trashing you behind your back. I am so glad she is gone. I feel free and that means free from everyone in her circle. I have my own life now. I also don’t talk to my step father who is a bastard racist. I have a great job, great friends, no inheritance but happy and free as a bird.

  3. Hi Barbara, all the narcissists that I know are married. I suppose narcissism is not limited to married / single – but the do need an audience and people to vicimtimize.

  4. Wow, my husband passed away six months ago. He was an only child and his mom is a certified Narcissist. Because of finances, the insurance policy was in her name (my husband knew it was a bad idea from the jump) she obliged our wishes for a funeral (but nobody gave her any attention only me and my kids) in the end she told me that my kids and I wasn’t getting a dime and she didn’t plan on burying him in the first place she got that policy for her! (to cash in on in the event of his demise) She said his funeral was an inconvenience to her and she did not shed one tear or show any emotion even til this day. By the way, she couldn’t keep a husband, she had three and they all left, couldn’t handle the controlling issues. Me & my kids don’t talk to her since the funeral comments, we just want to know who does she think is going to bury her or take care of her when her time comes?

  5. My Narc mother is still alive and I strongly believe that she will out live everyone around her. If I go to her funeral it will only be to make certain that she is actually dead. Maybe even bring the wooden stake just in case.

  6. My ex-partner is a Narcissist and also has Muncheusens. Basically over 16 years she conned me and fed off me. She had a small breast cancer that she refused to get treated but wanted to do it her way and allowed it to develop. I’m into natural health so the next 16 years were all about her going around the world experiencing various remedies and me supporting her expensive and self-chosen approaches. Needless to say I’ve still got the debts!
    Eventually when I withdrew and ran out of energy I was discarded with the classic smear campaign and a new source of supply installed, flying monkeys, the lot!
    I never knew evil existed on Earth but I do now. Using someone elses expression I’ve been filleted.
    The good news is she is now housebound (Has a big go-fund-me fundraising/attention seeking lie on the go) .
    I had a nightmare a few months back that she was up and walking about again! lol!
    Personally, whilst I wish her no ill will, I’m looking forward to her death as that’s one less way this vampire will cause me any more pain. She won’t go peacefully, she’s hyper controlling and whilst I’m planning a 3 week holiday in the far-East in January, I’ll aim not to let the Narc know as given the chance she’ll die then to get me back to look after my daughter who thankfully is in Boarding school.
    Thanks for listening, I’m now 18 months out of it but still struggling with low level ptsd.

    Love to all fellow humans


  7. My beautiful 20-year-old daughter Eve recently died after a year long battle with sudden onset of mental illness that the doctors only made worse with their meds. She had been the sweetest little girl, excellent student, full of joy, gratitude and compassion for others. My narc mother never had any use for Eve and she put her down at every opportunity. We became estranged for years at a time because of my mother’s cattiness and animosity toward Eve. My mother’s narcissism and alcoholism has served to make her lose everyone in her life and now she has to hire people to work on her house or see doctors for no reason just to get human companionship. She won’t stop gushing about strangers’ kids and one little girl in particular who came along with her father’s construction crew for one afternoon a few months ago. My mother took out for ice cream, a visit in the park and even gave her a figurine that had been in the family for over 100 years. I asked her the first time she went on about the child to stop because I was grieving my own little girl who would have loved to spend that kind of time with her granddaughter (hint hint). She did it again and I again reminded her that I was grieving my little girl who never had that kind of good time with her much less a family figurine even though she collected them! My mother’s response was to remind me that my daughter was mean and insane in the end and to once again gloat that she died from an overdose of drugs, not alcohol. This hurt me so much because my daughter’s bipolar psychosis did make my once lovely and sweet girl change and turn into something that had a resemblance to my mother, to be honest. What a hurtful old woman to continuously rub my nose in her love for the little girls of strangers which she didn’t feel for my beloved daughter. I’m starting to hate this horrible woman and have told her a few times over the years that she acts like fairy tale step-mother that wants to destroy the young girl.

  8. My mother and father to a t. She’s a sociopath covert narc. Loves loves loves bad news, misfortune and scandals. She covertly alienated us from Dad while they remained married by her inappropriate smears. She abused my kids so bad. My father is an alcoholic and was too weak, lazy and narcissistic to leave or protect us. Sadly in latter years he has been groomed into her flying monkey so I am very low contact with him but NC with Nmom.

    Monica, your narc mother is literally stabbing you in the heart over and over deliberately while using your grief and hurt as premium narc supply. Run like hell.

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