I’ve said many times that I think we should shun repeat abusers–especially narcissists. Even if someone doesn’t hurt me, if I know they hurt others, I don’t want to encourage them. I want to avoid them! Furthermore, when onlookers stay silent about abuse, the narcissist believes that means they condone or even support his or her behavior. People who remain apathetic–who just don’t care about what the abuser does to hurt others–are the narcissist’s best friends. They enable the narc and encourage the abuse to continue simply by doing nothing.
I once stated my theory publicly to some mutual acquaintances I shared with the narcopath. I said that abuse continues because society lets it. People willingly let narcissists go about preying on others because they don’t want to speak out or get involved. When I said that, one of narcopath’s enablers huffily said that it was childish to shun people based on what relationship they had with another person. She said that she didn’t care what narcopath had done to others, and that mature adults only judge people by what that person does with them. Well, superficially narcopath has put on a charming face with that person, so she thinks he’s just fine. But with me, and many others, he is violent and exploitative. That reality doesn’t change just because he puts on an act sometimes. If narcissistic abusers were shunned for their behavior, they might actually have some reason to change it since they depend on others for supply!
In normal situations with normal people, it is reasonable to judge a person by their interaction with you. Maybe Suzy doesn’t get along with Paula because of a difference in personalities, but that doesn’t mean Suzy is a bad person. If you and Suzy get along well, that’s great! But with narcissists and sociopaths, they are dangerous, predatory people through and through. You can’t say that they just have differences with others because they are so cruel and manipulative, they are willing to exploit anyone and everyone. Would we befriend a kidnapper simply because they didn’t hurt us? No way! If a predator does that kind of damage to someone, we are horrified and we avoid them. But when a narcissist tears someone apart emotionally, they get away with it.
Predators are often very interesting and charming. My ex narcopath is below average for looks, but has no problem grooming and hooking hundreds of women with his false personality. There are many people who think he’s fun to be around. There are many other people who are picking up the pieces of their lives after he’s been through like a sledgehammer. Does the fact that he can be fun with some people mean that those people should ignore what he does to his victims? Would you be friends or stay friendly with someone who is a lot of fun for you, but hurts those close to them? Morally, I couldn’t do that, but apathetic people in society do it every day. They choose not to get involved, or they choose to ignore abuse that doesn’t affect them, but in reality, they are giving the abuser the green light to hurt more people. When it comes to abuse, silence is approval.
8 thoughts on “Apathetic people are the narcissist’s best friends”
Loved this article! The absolute true colors of the Narc I was dating came to light before his closest friends. Prior to me, the women were blamed and he was pitied.
Now, the women in this group say, ” We love him, but would never set him up with anyone!” He is still invited to all their gatherings, I am not. By virtue of him being their original friend.
The most wonderful charming, intence, charismatic and seemingly no threatening man ….Was a liar, mindfucker, triangulatior, and master
I didn’t first believe the therapist I crawled to in the end saying to me it was abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal and sexual by the man I loved.
The “sweet” man so many adores.
My God! What a nightmare.
I do not like the word victim, but thats it. Supply.
Education about this is so important, look into it and actually it all comes down to greed and ego. Yes, even the “sweetness” is calculated – they need a harem, and it is never ever enough – they also do need to crush everyone that loves them.
In the end, their ugly intention will get showable on the outside, but it can take time and you can get very sick and depressed.
The subtile torture all along is actually on purpose! What a waste of life! A normal person can not wrap their head around it – and the narcissist therefore just continues supported by their flying monkeys and everyone believing they have something spesial with him/her.
Thinking he is just so fun…. he isn’t. When he brags and tell stories and laughs that high laugher -it is only his grandiose self liking the attention. He is like a big spoiled child, without insight. And thats not sweet when you are his partner. And the worst -he doesn’t want insight – because it is working fine for him, he actually do not care how his actions hurts the one he claims to love.
Let that sink in….. he can NOT and doesn’t care about other people the way a normal person does. This is a real disorder, and it will not get any better!
His only concern is himself and his reputation, fasade. Hell, he even marry you if you just smile and let him live his life. It can suit his fasade to be married, and if you never question him or complains when he disrespect you, hurt you, or treat you like the object he in truth only sees you as.. he might marry you… Especially if you have money. He do want money and will try to get into the rich circles. He won’t hesitate to groom and sleep with another mans wife if she has money or acts like a real flattering fan. He is intense, notice his stare and the ogling. Notice how fast you are “The ONE” and love bombing is one side of the game. Last week another woman was the one. He can text you while sleeping with another! KNOW that every time he stonewall or give you the silen treatment -and you are worried or hurt and feel you must have said something wrong..HE is with other women – he is absolutely NOT home as you feeling hurt, rethinking.
As his partner you must not complain of anything. You are just there to kiss his mighty asshole in every thinkable way. Do never for one minute believe his words – When his lips move -he IS lying. It can take years to understand or even see this mindfuckers game. And when you do, you are so destroyed and sad – crushed you have c-ptsd and even hearth problems or worse …or you or must become a masochist to stay with him. If not you actually might have Stockholm syndrom. But you are the lucky one, because you can leave the hell, and make a new real life because you do have a heart. He will forever sit on that speed never ending rollercoaster -and every woman along will throw herself off or get thrown off!! Do not fool yourself – the next or previous woman is/was not better than you for him in any way. He doesn’t like or love anyone. It is only different supply. Do not fool yourself – the sex was not great -it was a game, you felt that way because of abuse and tricks -like finally he gives something! But KNOW this ladies or gentlemen – a narsissist dont even like sex with anyone. They are so greedy that many can’t even climax with you… because that would be like giving something out of themselves.. they much rather mastubate alone with the computer porn. The ones that seems to make effort in bed, by continuing for ages or pleacing you – take pride in doing that. It is NOT because they like or love you at all.
Even you was a victim, you are also a survivor and will heal and get stronger than ever – when you finally do get mad you can start speak up and help others.. do that.
Do never show a narcissist ANY emotion, never share yourself with them, it WILL for sure be used against you in ways you can’t imagine as a normal person!
Get out and have forever forward no contact.
One day you totally get over this shallow and cruel vampire and realize you lost nothing – he was and is a living illusion.
He lost something real. You.
Omg. You just described my life to a T. Sad but true. It’s amazing to me that someone can exist as cruel as this. It’s just inconceivable to me although I know it’s real because I lived it. Trying to move on and pick up the pieces, but damn it’s hard.
Men like this are poison ☠! They hate when we get angry with their crap but I don’t give a fuck. Let him be the spoilt brat that he is and tell him to go fuck himself, then run as fast as you can.
This was an amazing read. I just ended a 12 year marriage with my husband. I finally had enought and filled for divorce. We have been divorced almost 90 days. He has had several partners since I have left. Now, he had decided that he misses being married and his wife and child. Now he is being all sweet and wants to come clean and resolve our problems and issues. I left because I was tired of the way we were treated. We walked on eggshells to avoid upsetting him. We became and object on a shelf for him to play with when he was ready. When he was busy with other things we did not hear a peep from him. His career, his money, his house and he did it all for me and made me in to the woman I am today. I could have not got this far in my life without him. Typicall narc bs. There is a part of me that wants it all to be all true and fixe a marriage if possible. I want to hope for the best and believe that he is telling me the truth. There is this little voice in the back of my mind questioning everything I have done thus far. I have my own place, my own job and car. I am quite capabale of taking care of me and my daughter. I hate what this divorce has done to my children, my family and our friends. I am lost and I dont know if I should give him the opportunity to hurt us again.
The problem with speaking out is that you always come across looking like the nutcase! They put on such a charming face that you end up being the person who is seen as the nutter. I tried to speak out to a friend about a narc, knowing full well what the narc was like from my personal experience with her. The Narc set herself up totally as the victim, and me out to be the bad guy. I stepped back for my own peace of mind and sanity. It wasn’t till some time later when the Narc crossed my friend that it suddenly dawned on them that I had been correct all that time! And they admitted to me that they felt terrible for not having listened to me.
This is the sad reality of the situation with a Narc, and if you live in a small community as I do, you risk your own sanity and reputation. While it might seem that you are not being supportive and letting the narc get away with it, sometimes you have to look out for yourself.
This is something that I have experienced first hand. Dealt with a narcissistic douchelord for 3 years (2010-2013). His group of flying monkeys always stood back whenever he gaslighted me, blew anything I did wrong out of proportion while I heard crickets when he did multiple things wrong. He is now with another target and they have been together for four years since I got fed up with him in 2013. She is an apathetic girl. He hasn’t changed I know he has not changed because the last time I slept with him, two weeks later I found out he was dating her back in October of 2012. When they decided to move out of the US together in August of 2013 (I was no contact with him) I wrote her a letter (I know not a good idea to tell the new target about the narcissist) about all the other women that he kept in his harem over the years that he was known to go back to and then jump to his new target when he was done with a member of his harem. She said “I don’t care about his past none of that matters, what we have now is all that matters.” I rolled my eyes and told her good luck. Funny thing is I got a random happy birthday message from the narcissist last year 2016. My guess is it was his attempt to see if he still had a foothold in my life I did not reply to the message.
The part where you wrote “Would we befriend a kidnapper simply because they didn’t hurt us? No way! If a predator does that kind of damage to someone, we are horrified and we avoid them. But when a narcissist tears someone apart emotionally, they get away with it.” My spin on it was if you knew a known rapist would you befriend him just because he had not raped you? Same stuff with an apath.