Some narcissists are really good at making their twisted thoughts sound logical and reasonable. Even if you know in your heart that something is very wrong, they can convince you that they are right and you are wrong. They can so easily twist blame on put everything on you. You might sit there thinking, “this makes no sense,” yet they have stated their crazy viewpoint so well that it’s hard to refute it.
One way they do this is by emphasizing personal responsibility, (ironic, right?) Society values taking personal responsibility for your bad choices, and it’s easy for the narcissist to abuse that reality. For example, if a predator hurts you, they will turn it around and say it is your fault they hurt you because you believed them or trusted them. This is nonsense! Yet they can make it sound logical and leave you wondering if the abuse really is all your fault because you let them hurt you. No. No. No.
I wrote a blog a while ago about a young woman who conned people out of money then blamed the victims by saying, “well she gave it to me.” Yes, there is some truth to this because the person who loaned the money could have chosen not to do it, but on the other hand, did that person have a good reason to think that she could trust the person she gave money to? Yes. Do we blame victims of con-artists or pyramid schemes? Should we? I don’t think so. Sure, we could say that people chose to be naive or to give their money, but in the end, it is really the con-artist that should be held accountable–the person who committed the crime.
My ex narcopath is a terrible womanizer. He charms women and tells them they are “the one,” talks about marriage very quickly, tells them he’s never met anyone like them, etc…then sleeps with them and often, never calls them again. When he and I discussed this after I married him and found out, he told me it was the women’s fault. He said that they chose to believe him and he didn’t force them to have sex. He had not a hint of remorse or regret for tricking people and leaving them hurt. In fact, sometimes he will re-victimize them later and sweet-talk them into accepting the blame for his behavior. He so “rationally” tells them that he never actually promised them anything and portrays himself as being very reasonable and logical…which leaves the dumped woman blaming herself and falling prey to his attempts to re-victimize her. There are many women who have cried over what he did to them, yet given him another chance months or years later. I have even seen his enablers rationalize it with the same words–it’s the manipulated woman’s fault for believing his lies.
He had the same thought patterns about conning people out of money or refusing to re-pay loans. He scammed $20,000 from one person by talking the person into co-signing a loan, then said it was that person’s fault for co-singing. My ex kept the money from the loan and left the other, (more responsible,) person paying that huge debt. And this is pretty common for him. He feels nothing. He told me he never felt remorse because the people he repeatedly hurts willingly choose to fall for his tricks.
I have seen this same attitude in my narcissist mother and other narcissists–including criminals in the news, who are not always as bad, but still don’t feel remorse. My mother would destroy my belongings, then tell me it was my fault for leaving them where she could get to them. A narcissist will knowingly hurt you then blame you for trusting them. In their heads, this makes sense because you need to take responsibility for making poor choices. Of course, they never think there is anything wrong with their misleading, manipulative and abusive choices!