I was thinking today that I might plot out a timeline of how a relationship goes with a Cluster B abuser. I am leaving out tons of details of abuse just to give a timeline of how fast the stages went. Things might go in a slightly different order, or at a different speed for others, but here’s how it went for me:
October 2010: Narcopath claims we met and played a round of cards in a group at a social event. I don’t remember this, but we were both there and I did play cards, so I suspect it is true. A couple years later, when the love bombing starts, he claims he was there with his girlfriend who was loud and annoying, so when he saw how meek and quiet I was, he wished he was with me.
Fall 2010: Narcopath sends me a Facebook friend request with a flirty message saying I was perfect for him. I answer but he disappears. A single guy who shares my interests sounds intriguing. I have no clue that we’ve met. He doesn’t reveal this claim for another two years.
Fall 2010- Summer 2012: Narcopath sends the occasional flirty message. I reply. He rarely answers. He is testing the waters, keeping me as a potential target, and grooming me to think he’s a nice guy.
Summer 2012: I am running a popular Facebook group and he joins. People are really happy with the active group and repeatedly thank me for starting it. Narcopath starts contacting me more and asking to be an admin in the group. He starts pushing for a phone call with me.
Early August 2012: I finally agree to a telephone call with him. Throughout the call he echoes and mirrors EVERYTHING about me, then says we are “separated at birth” over and over. At one point, he says it must sound like he’s making this up, but we really are that much alike!
Early August 2012: I agree to let him visit me. We hit it off and talk for hours. He wants to visit the next weekend too.
Early August to mid August: Full force love bombing. He is calling me multiple times a day and telling me how great I am. At one point, I even get a bit annoyed that I can’t be alone and quiet on my work breaks because he calls for each of them. One day, while driving home, I start asking myself how he is THIS in love so fast. I ask myself, am I really as great as he keeps saying I am? It sure sounds good, though!
Mid August: He wants an official Facebook relationship. This angers several of his other current girlfriends that I didn’t know about until afterward, and it bothers me that he was leading so many on. But he assures me he likes me best, so he wants to give them all up.
Late August: He tells me that one of the women is mocking our relationship and asking him when they are going to get together for sex again. He says she keeps calling. He says one of the other women keeps calling, too. I am being triangulated but don’t know what any of this means yet. I’m kind of annoyed that the woman is after my guy.
Labor Day weekend: He ignores my birthday after promising me he was going to get a great present for me. When I ask about it, he yells and screams until I’m crying. Then he calls me a baby. I am confused. Then he apologizes and says he loves me. I think everything is okay, although I’m still a bit confused.
Early September: We are having a normal day. He tells me I have to get my cats’ claws trimmed. I decline, but he becomes enraged. He throws my cat at the wall and I walk out of the room in fear. I stand in my bathroom stunned and wondering what the heck is happening. He comes in screaming and bullying me until I cry. Then he calls me a baby. I realize this is abuse and tell him to leave. Before he does, I panic about being single again, and ask him if he is willing to apologize. He says “no” because I was the one who was wrong and asked him to leave. I am really confused. I apologize. He doesn’t. Then he tells me how much he loves me.
Mid September: He starts pushing to get married in October. I say no. He becomes enraged and says he will dump me if I don’t marry him because he is too old to waste time. I feel confused. Again. He says we are so perfect for each other.
Late September: He is still pushing. He still says we are perfect for each other. He tells me I will never find a man who is as good for me as he is. I wonder if this is really good. He finally finds the manipulative trick that gets me to agree. He plays up my fears for my older son who has no father. I really want my son to have a father. He says if something happens to me, my son will go to foster care if he doesn’t have a father. I am worried. He tells me if something happens to me, he will be sure to marry a good mother for my son. This sounds odd since he is much older than I am and I don’t understand why the thought would occur to him. But, he is charming enough I finally agree.
Early October: He tells me to plan a wedding for the next weekend. He is really pushing hard. I wonder why he is in such a hurry.
A week later: We get married. The night before, he starts to scare me again, but we are on a road trip in another state, and he is driving erratically to scare me, so I shut up before I get killed or abandoned in the woods.
The day after the wedding: The abuse starts in earnest and never stops again.
Mid October: I ask him to leave my house and say I cannot be married anymore. I’m in a state of shock. A therapist says it is too early to diagnose, but I have all the symptoms of PTSD. He tells me I’m being abused. The narcopath calls repeatedly charming me into giving him another chance.
Late October: I find out I am two weeks pregnant. He had wanted to get pregnant right away, and I did, but now he is angry about it. I am confused.
Halloween: He throws me across the room after I change a setting on a thermostat. I know this has to stop. I tell the police I want an arrest.
Early November to mid November: He stalks my yard. He stalks my mom. He pushes over and over and over for another chance. He promises to go to therapy if I drop the restraining order. I fall for it. The abuse starts that night.
Mid November: We got to therapy. He bullies me all the way there. He calls the psychologist a cunt. He goes insane when we go home and destroys my PC. I call the police because I’m scared he will attack again. I ask him to leave.
Mid November: The therapist asks me to come back alone. I do. She talks to me about narcissism and sociopathy. She tells me he was an obvious abuser and the disorder was “obvious and extreme.” She says any decent evaluator will see it easily. I go home and research and find a perfect description of my husband in the list of symptoms for narcissistic personality disorder and anti-social personality disorder. I wonder if this is really happening.
Thanksgiving: Narcopath pushes and charms for a family holiday. I fall for it. He literally takes food off my plate and limits what I am allowed to eat. He does the same to my son. He grabs food out of the refrigerator and pushes it into his mouth as fast as possible and says we cannot have any. He tells me pregnancy isn’t an excuse to get fat. I am confused. I am stunned. He screams at my son. He pushes my son around. He picks my son up by the ankles and shakes him in a rage. I comfort my son. I get Narcopath out of the house then call the police and the doctor. While Narcopath is gone, he calls me all day and I don’t answer. I am stunned. The PTSD is real. I finally answer and blankly tell him he can never come back. This time, because he hurt my child and not just me, I will never fall for it again.
December: I go to court for his domestic violence battery charges. I am prepared to testify but he takes a plea deal.
Two years after the initial grooming. Four months after the intense love bombing. Three years of upcoming cyber bullying and smear campaign. Five years of recovering. The worst is over, but the proxy abuse through others and the court system will not stop.
This is what life is like with a sociopath. The marriage was short but the abuse was severe. They are evil in human form damaging everyone close to them.
Thank you for the courage to put this out here for others who are going through the same thing and are confused and blaming themselves. I dated a guy that sounds just like this, but I kicked him to the curb and then married a narcopath that was more of a slow burner ~ 24 years to be exact. His rages were fueled by alcohol and then came the remorse and thus began the cycle of abuse. I’m so happy it’s over that it doesn’t matter what lies he is still telling about me. We were in court this past week and he lied on the stand. He said he was abused by me! He told lies and half-truths for 8 hours. He went from open hostility to tears. It was fascinating. I was unmoved. He was no more than just another empty suit to me. No emotional ties left. I consider it a victory.
I am scared when I think how many of them are among us. I met my fellow student friend (she called herself my friend after three days of knowing me), while studying for a master degree. She became my worst nightmare. I never met someone that callous, unempathic and entitled before. She has done a lot of psychological damage to me. Luckily I moved to another country before she could do even more harm. I hope to never see this person again.
Omg a lot I recognize … with me the children were the perfect angle … they like him s lot, their father had passed away. He would say they like me, I and my family will take care of them, if anything happens to you. And when he wanted in residency he was look I’m a year sober I have 2 kids (responsible) by that yine I gad already moved out if all the issues but he had me pulled in again (why he needed me and the kids to show off he was on the sober track ) and whey I became useless, and got a new girl and I was crazy. He never spoke or saw the kids again. He never explained anything to them. He actually write my daughter an email (she was upset with him as well he pulled us in again, and then he cheats, which he told her was not true, then he admitted then he told her she wasn’t allowed to be mad or sad about that…. then he said your mother says horrible things about me, and as long as we are not divorced I can’t talk or see you. Yeah right … he might have just as much said .. never … still blaming it on me to a child of 9 years. I feel quilty to them. They were hurt too (but to him it’s my fault he is not seeing them I’m sure he tells others I’m not letting them see him). She tried couple times to contact him… never a response and he knew her for 6 years!! And my son he never said anything to. While he was always in his camp. I wished I could have turned back the clock as they sure didn’t deserve that. I don’t know how those people live with themselves. Must be kind of empty ?
They are also perfect in isolating people around them so you don’t get to see person b and c in his life and so he can tell different stories and he tells you stories about them. I had to listen to stories his horrible his boss was,, but yet he was always sliming with her (but he had to) or his lawyer so much helped him with all his dui charges etc. and yet he would tell me what an idiot he thought he was. But he needed him, and so so charming. In fact I can’t remember anyone he DID actually like. So I’m sure he said all sorts of things about Me. I wasn’t allowed to go inside his workplace or talk to that person, or say certain things. And couple times I would meet people of his work while doing groceries …and I would just get this funny feeling cuz they would be really awkward to me. Some wouldn’t even look into my eyes, I would ask him about it and oh they just geeks… he would always hang out with women as they were Easier to manipulate. In the end when I figured he was lying. I looked in his diary and it said H told me I’m charming to the point of smooth talking … I better be careful… i thought that was so odd. Yes it’s amazing how people let themselves manipulate. Give them some compliments (how are you, how’s your mother, etc, Can I help you, on let me get this for you. Lots of compliments …I v seen it . Seriously that you think come this is over the top….and people love it. And that way he had them wrapped around the finger. He had 2 sides very gentle outwards…funny, but in the Home, moody, depressive, always sleeping, doing nothing, cranky. They would never see that. It’s as if he was acting all day, come home and tired of it and ANGRY cuz all the while the people he was complimenting he was annoyed by and irritated and he hated them..
I’m sorry you still are connected with him through your child.. like a never ending … don’t they ever get tired of all this turmoil. …I don’t get it…will never get it. I was in it fir 7 years… I had invested so much, that yes stupid you want to get there…(where I don’t know cuz it was never there yes the beginning, he had many rages then, holes in the wallls etc, I think later he started to become more controlled as he is smart he can’t afford another arrest etc but it seems that’s even scarier) I should have left after the first dui and altercation ..but no I paid his legal fees and visited him in jail, the felony assault became a misdenabkur (otherwise he coukd never be a doctor and his life be screwed up).. when he got out of jail months later… while promising all that time it will be so good… there workers working Inside the house and he suddenly said you cunt to me. I think he expected me to become mad, so I would show sudden mad /crazy behavior (workers were friends of lawyer) so he could blame the battery and assault on me… yet o said nothing, I just blew it off and it would continue these remarks and yes at some point I did explode … see she is crazy. He would say once I’m s dr o will have you taken in in a Psych unit.. stuff like that. Note to me if ever I hear anyone say such a thing ..run .., today he convinced his co workers (he doesn’t have friends) that I set him up, for the assault it was all me. …if I hadn’t pleaded for him he would have gotten 10 years, and a felony, never be a dr again, evidence was there, trackmarks, my clothes off all wrangled around the door, I escaped naked (yikes). Broken arm, black eyes…
but it’s even my fault it’s on his record the prosecutor made sure ths5 charge can never be wiped off, it will akways stay there..and due to ME he now will have to deal with that (that in crazy). I told him man you know what you did and what the truth is and what the files say. But apologizing no, that would mean he would admit to it. Just another trump. Just keep denying it, it never existed. Hopefully he will never ever do this to another person I pray ..